This was taken in June....7 months post surgery...It was a hot sticky day an I was goofin around with a new camera but ...there ya have it.

I weighed in this morning at 152 pounds.  Wow!  Isn't that amazing?  I think so.  Who would have ever thunk it?  Me!  150 pounds!  Certainly not me.  And imagine why people think I'm nuts when I say I still see 250 pounds looking back at me in the mirror.  I know it's a head game, I just read another post about head games.  It will pass eventually.  I can't wait.

I recently ended up having an emergency surgery for a blocked bowel.  Can I tell you that I am a nurse and I have a high pain tolerance......this was the most awful pain I can ever remember having.  Now of course everyone who heard about it, like my boss and some family members, had the same first thought..."It's because of that weight loss surgery....see I told you not to have it".  I am here to tell you that it had absolutely nothing to do with my WLS.  NOTHING!!!  My WLS surgeon even called me the day before my surgery as I was in a different hospital and offered to have me transferred to his hospital to have him do the operation.  I didn't feel the need because it had nothing to do with that surgery.  I didn't have a bypass so I had nothing re-routed...I just had some of my stomach removed and the blockage and twisting of the bowel was way down in the right lower quadrant....no where near the sleeve.  I'm healing slowly and I realize I am not as young as I once was but all in all things are okay. 

I had 9 days in the hospital to reflect and think and shut up and listen, finally, to God.  I truly think this had something to do with the fact that I don't listen to him enough even when he is talking to me in bold print!!!!  But after this hospital stay there have been many more changes in our house and our lives....all for the better.  So you can not find fault in that.  I have three beautiful kids that I just adore and I wouldn't trade them for the world....okay I may think about a day or two when they are really wound up like today but for the most part it's all good. 

That's it for me for today.  Have a good one all.

What an amazing year.  Oh my gosh.  I started out with a goal of 170 pounds or better yet a size 12.  Well, I have past both of those goals and now I am a bit worried.  I'm not sure where to go from here. 

I still can't get protein in the quantity that I should but I do try.  My sleeve has been great.  I can pretty much eat anything I need to or want to. 

On July 12 I ended up having emergency surgery for a blocked small bowel.  Talk about painful!!!!!  I have been reassured that it had nothing to do with my sleeve but I find it strange that I got adhesions from a 30+ year old incision?  I'm a nurse and I'm not real sure about all that but for now I am thankful that I am recouperating and I didn't have to have a colonostomy performed. 

So I am down below my wildest dreams ever but when I look in the mirror I don't see it.  Of course I see the hanging skin and the wrinkles and the fact that I look like I have aged 20 years but I still see fat.  People tell me I look amazing and tiny!  What?  Tiny?  Me?  What a joke.  Tiny to me does not include my name in any way.  So I will rephrase it tinier than what I was. How is that?  I am happy with my weight loss and after this emergency surgery I think I will be happy with all my extra skin too because honestly this surgery hurt.....do I want to do that to myself?  I don't know.  Time will tell.

I went to Walmart the other day to pick up a few things and I happened to see a cute shirt hanging on a rack.  My first reaction was "too bad I can't wear that".  I went on down the aisle.  I stopped, came back, checked the size....I BOUGHT IT!!!!!!!  It was a large and it is a bit tighter than I think I should wear but I got it by darned.

How exciting is that?  OMG, I know it has been six months since my surgery but I am finding out so many things about me here lately!  I still can't seem to get my protein in but let me tell ya....I was never a sweet or chocolate eater...and now me and babe ruth are on first name basis.  I know I should stop but I am addicted.  I am aware of it though and will definitely have to watch.  I also find that I can eat chicken tenders or chicken planks from long johns.  Only 1-1 1/2 but still.  I should not be able to eat that.....I don't want to be able to eat that.  It's in my head...fix my head fix my head. 

Was able to get in the pool today because the water temp finally got above 80.  That was nice and I did lay out a bit.  Of course I fell asleep and do you think one of the 6 kids would have said "turn over"???  Oh heavens no.  One woke me to ask if she could go with a friend, the next one woke me to tell me the other one had left with a friend, the next one woke me to ask about his laptop, and another one woke me to ask me if I knew where the other one's laptop was and it is broken.  But say "hey mom, turn over you are burning?????"  Have a good one.

It has been quite some time since I last posted.  Who knows where the time goes but it certainly goes fast.

This morning I weighed in at 165.6pounds!  I see that number and I am amazed.  I still don't believe it is my weight.  Surely it is someone elses!  Today marks 6 months since my sleeve was done.  Oh the changes in the last 6 months make me shake my head.

I recently had the opportunity to get some new clothes.  We, a bunch of friends and I, were in Old Navy.  I had never been able to buy clothes there because they just didn't fit.  Long story short I was able to fit into a size 12 capri!!!  I cried, friends cried and I went to two more stores to test the theory that it was just the way they were made.  I was able to get size 12's in all the stores!  I still don't think of myself as "thin" but I certainly am getting the compliments so I am definitely going in the right direction. 

I am able to eat more now too.  I can get in way more calories and have been really working hard on getting my protein in.  Still haven't mastered taking the pills I should but baby steps here.  I no longer have buyers remorse.  I am so glad I had the surgery. 

Thanks for all the support.

bout time

I haven't posted in like forever and there is no reason really.  I have been so very busy with work and our foster kids as well as our bio kids.  Currently we have four foster kids in our home, 17, 12, 3, and 6 months.  With their Dr. appts. and Dentist appts, and pulmonologists and on and on and on it has been quite crazy. 

To date I really don't know where I stand in the health department.  I went to the surgeon for my three month follow up and they said words like, you have done better than anticipated....you have lost 50% of your excess body weight instead of the 35% we predicted.  Keep up the good work. 

Okay, that is all nice to hear but......my diet still consists of under 400 calories a day, less than 20 grams of protein and under 20 ounces of fluid!  So do I have a grip on lifelong nutrition?  OH HELL NO.  It is getting better in the respect that I can eat different stuff now but I still can't take any of the vitamins and stuff cuz they fill me up so bad that I can't eat then.  I can't stomach the chewables either like pre surgery. 

Fluids are better however I can't stand the thought of a protein drink of any kind. Before surgery I couldn't wait for the shake but now....yuck.  I have been assured that it will get better and it will.  So I just plow along.  I find that I am craving stuff now that I never craved before surgery....like pastry.  I am not a big sweet eater so this surprises me. 

I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 179.6 which is down 66.4 from my heaviest, 59.4 from my first appt. with the surgeon and 50 pounds since day of surgery.  My clothes are bigger of course but when I look into the mirror I still see 246 pounds.  I am complaining today....it will get better.  I know this.  I read what all of you have done and how happy you are and I know my turn is coming.  Thanks.

Happy New Year!!!!!

I can happily report that I started out 2012 in ONEDERLAND!!!!  I raced to the scale yesterday morning and sure enough I was in the one hundreds.  I had been seeing a few 190's numbers but they would quickly disappear but I don't care....that is my story and I'm sticking to it.

I still see "fat" in the mirror and that is okay.  I have gone down to a size 20 jean...snug in the waist, baggy in butt and legs as usual but nonetheless, not size 24/26.  I am happy.  I don't know if I can say I love my sleeve yet but I do love the fact that I can get up out of my recliner without help and I can work for twelve hours and not cry with pain in my legs.  So I love the results I'm getting, just not getting there.  I'm still having real troubles getting in the fluid, food and proteins.  I will get there though. 

Happy New Year to all of you. 

Already?

Well, here we are and I can't believe that it has only been just shy of 6 weeks and all the changes that are taking place not only in me but around me.  I don't think that if you haven't had this surgery then there is no way you would get it, at all.

There is the fact that yes I am losing weight, numbers, and my legs feel incredible!  All my life my eyes and my legs have been my treasured attributes.  Then when I was diagnosed with hypertension my legs started retaining fluid and that shot the legs.  Well, now, I am actually getting my definition back and I could have sworn that I noticed a knee cap the other day!  I couldn't believe it!!  I also notice that I can do a 12 hour shift and not be crying in agony walking to my car at the end of the day. 

I know I am losing like I said but in my head it still says FAT!!  I haven't tried to go smaller on my clothes even though several people have said that I should.  I think that it is a comfort thing, a safety thing.  So I keep wearing the same three disney shirts and one work shirt and the same two pair of jeans that fit me before surgery.  I absolutely hate to shop anyway, so the thought of having to do that makes me ill.  Plus the fact that I hate spending money on clothes.  All I need are new jammies and my scrubs for work are provided for me at work.  There, new wardrobe.

The sick feeling that I had been experiencing is slowly ebbing away every time I eat.  I know that I am waiting too long in between meals because then I get a sick sick feeling in my abdomin and then I start to eat like a zombie.  I also started really watching and noticing how I feel with certain foods.  I have cut back on heavy foods like a lot of meat and am increasing the veges and fruits.  I still attack popsicles and italian ices but for now that is what suits me.  I have not been able to get back into my protein drink like before surgery but I have been able to manage a couple shakes in the last week or so, so maybe it will all come full circle.  I hope so because I had noticed that my hair was thickening up and now not so much.

I have also found that in order to get my fluids in, not quite 64 oz. but close, is to drink the diet Nestea Iced Tea but it HAS TO BE IN THE BOTTLE.  I know, weird but I can't help it.  So I am drinking that and water and I am not as dehydrated as I was for sure.  PenPen, you were right....it is getting better and for now I do not have buyers remorse.  Thanks for your words of encouragement.  They do help tremendously!

Til next time which will be after Christmas I am sure have a wonderful holiday/Christmas.

I had a secret...

I stopped my friend at work the other night and I asked her if I could trust her to keep a secret for me.  She of course said yes, which I already knew. 

Before I told her my secret I asked her a lot of questions about how long she felt that she would never feel that eating was normal again, and to even drink water was such a big ordeal...well, she assured me that it took a while for everything to come together for her and for her pouch to be able to handle bigger or more frequent bites. 

I then told her that my secret was that if I have to live like this the rest of my life then I am so very sorry I had the surgery.  I don't mean that I am upset that I can't eat as much and I have to watch.  No, it is the fact that I can't take any bigger of a bite than a baby spoon and I can't take more than 10-12cc of fluid at any one time.  That is just not natural for me.  What will I do in the summer when I have been outside and I am dying of thirst?  Take a sip??????  Bullshit....I am a guzzler and I am a scarfer of food. 

I know this is the hardest thing I will have to conquer in this journey.  Please share your successes with me...does it get better?  Will I always and forever have to sip and have to wait 3 minutes in between unless I want my heart to feel like it is exploding? 

I am happy that I am losing weight...my legs feel so much better already.  I am not sorry that I can't over indulge.  I am sad that I have to take so long to eat or drink.  I will overcome this, I know I will, but it has just been very hard for me.

Thanks for reading.

18 days out

I really don't even remember what my last post was or when.  The last 18 days have been weird for me.  I don't really know how I feel really about any of it.  I will try to explain, to no one but myself really, but feel free to enter into my brain for a moment.

Since surgery I have felt super good....physically.  I don't know if it is because I knew I had to go back to work in just a little over a week or what but I just pushed myself to get up every morning and walk around the pool.  I started with one lap then increased it every time I did it.  I did laps that way for the first 4-5 days.  Thank goodness the pool is in the back yard and it is hidden by the fence.  That way I didn't care what I looked like.  Jammies and all...off I went.  It didn't help, or maybe it did, that my husband only had one day off with me once I returned from the hospital.  He went back to work and I had the kids.  Now to be fair, I could have taken Michael to the sitters but I just couldn't see the benefit of it.  Why pay the sitter when I'm here.  I think I did take him one day when I just didn't have it in me to chase after him.

Food wise, or liquid wise I should say, has been the biggest obstacle for me.  I know I am getting dehydrated but I just couldn't do one more liquid thing.  On days 11,12, and 13 I pretty much quit drinking....period.  NOTHING looked, smelled, sounded or tasted good.  AT ALL!!!!  I don't think it helped with me having the topical reactions that I was having to the glue or sutures or bandages or whatever.  My PCP had put me on antibiotics and one of them got stuck and it really never felt like it cleared so I really think that was a lot of my problems.  When I saw my surgeon on day 13, he said to stop the antibiotics and I did, gladly.  After that I was able to start on the soft foods.  Can I just tell you that the world all of a sudden lost the grayness surrounding it?  All of a sudden, life had purpose again. 

Let me just say that through all of that liquid business I had to go back to work.  So of course those that knew that I had the surgery wanted to know all the particulars, and those that didn't know quickly found out and then wanted to know all the particulars.  So it was very interesting to say the least.  I hadn't even told my families...well my sister, mother in law and one sister in law knew of the family.  Why?????  I don't know.  I think I have seen so much judgement and smart ass comments surrounding any type of weight loss surgery that I just didn't want to hear it.  Truly I don't think I would have met with any negativity from the families but for some reason, in my cobwebby head, this was something I was doing for me and only me and I didn't really care what anyone else thought.  I know that sounds so very ugly and I don't mean it to but I have had to wake up daily for over half my life and immediately think rotten terrible thoughts about myself that I just didn't want to have to defend my actions or my reasonings.  So I didn't tell many people.

Anyway, I lost my train of thought.  Since starting the soft foods I have been eating more and drinking more although it has been mostly water because there still isn't anything that sounds good to me.  I haven't even been able to get my protein shake in but I still try.  I'm sure it will get fixed within my head but just not right now.  I have added things like eggs, mashed potatos, tuna and small bits of canned fruits in water.  I am so much happier.  My only problem right now is remembering to slow down and chew, chew, chew!  I really am a fast eater at heart and it is very hard to break that cycle.  That chest freeze that you experience in the middle of your chest when you swallow to much too fast is enough to send me into orbit so I have to constantly remind myself....SLOW DOWN you idiot!!!!!

I have not, to date, puked anything back up.  I don't plan on it either.  I just refuse to eat that much that it happens.  So if nothing else I am more on that cautious side of things and I don't care....entry only here folks. 

Also, I HATE, DETEST, CAN'T STOMACH fish.  However, I have gotten on the old computer and looked up some recipes and my husband and I went to the store last night and actually picked up some Cod.  I am not happy about it, but I need the protein.  My first recipe is of course beer battered but my plan is to take the breading off before eating it.  I did buy tarter sauce as a cover up just in case.  My husband is thrilled as he and his whole family are avid fish eaters and he is excited to think that fish may be introduced into our lives. 

I know I have been rambling on and on but it's all been stuck here in my head.  I took a mental health day off of work today, yes without pay, but I need it.  I have been going non-stop since September and I just needed it.

I don't know how to put up the little graph thing that a lot of you do to show the measurements and weight losses but since my journey began I am down 29.6 pounds and since surgery I am down 16.2 pounds.  I don't even want to compare to any of you because I think I am behind the eight ball but already my knees feel so much better and working a twelve hour shift is already so much easier.

Thanks for reading.  Have a wonderful day all.

Not sure.

Well, today is the mark of week one of my sleeve surgery.  I feel great even though I have had to do way more than I should have after having surgery.  Not because of my physicians but because my family having so many demands.  Like I started driving 4 days post-op, I have had to watch and discipline the 3 year old sooooooooo much more since mommy has been down which means getting ahold of him etc.  I didn't actually lift him but whatever.

The horrible reaction to whatever I'm having the horrible reaction to is still here.  Got in to see my PCP and they are all very infected.  She called it something but I don't care what it is just fix it.  So I am now on two antibiotics and a topical cream.  Doesn't hurt but itches like crazy.

I am about to go crazy because I want to CHEW, CHEW, CHEW!!!!!!!  I know in just a week I can go to soft foods but it is killing me that I can't have anything solid.  Crazy!!!  Any ideas?  I have been doing the protein drinks, soups, jellos, yogurts, crystal light drinks.  How am I going to get through until Tuesday??????

Okay, I have more to say but I have to get all the errands done before the 6 year old needs picked up at school.  Til later.....

Well, I'm alive

and I'm doing okay.  I'm sore as anything and I do believe that I am having a terrible allergic reaction to the bandaides or something so I am sure that will require a call to the Dr. this weekend.  I can't really sleep even with pain medicine.  I think that my mind is just whirling and I can't shut it down.  I will though.  We have had such tremendous craziness around here for months it seems.  Maybe now we can start to settle in.

I know I am not getting in what I'm supposed to get in but I am trying.  I just forget to drink.  I did get part of a protein shake in this morning, then some water, then part of a crystal light flavored water that I have been sipping on all day.  I did the stupidest thing, well among others, but my six year old needed a coat.  Now, my husband is perfectly capable of buying a coat for a six year old but nnnooooooo.  I had to go too.  So off WE go.  Me, hubby, our 19 year old mentally challenged son, our 6 year old, a three year old foster child that we hope to adopt very very soon, and our newly acquired 17 year old female AND her two month old premature baby that I actually got to take care of after his birth. 

Did I say craziness around here?  Okay, so while we are there, I have them get me a wheelchair, we had the stroller with the baby in it, and a buggy with stuff and the three year old.  Off we go to get a coat....a lousy gosh blessed coat.  What a fiasco.  Well, we finally got the coat, a few outfits for the baby, winter shirts for the 3 year old and to show my foster girl how proud I was of her for making good choices this past week and following several certain rules I wanted to treat her to getting her nails done.  Any other time IN THE WORLD, my husband would say I'm out of here I will meet you down at the play area.  OH NO...he stayed so far up our rear ends that I couldn't have farted if I had to, which I would love to do by the way.  The long and short of it, we went to the chinese restaurant, smart?????, and the owner felt sorry cuz she "coood tell I nawsius" so she gave me a small bowl of wonton broth, no charge.  Well, I'm thinking, hell, what can I have at this time in the game at a freakin chinese restaurant?????  So I ate half the bowl of wonton broth.  I didn't get sick, I'm happy.  We left, got the girl with the nails, and got out of there.

Had to drop the 19 year old off at his apartment, went through Long Johns for her cuz she missed supper.....why did she want that?  Of all times, tonight she has to have that.  OOOHHHHH....I forgot the most wonderfully, pitiful, funny, embarrassing things.  We are standing by the door waiting on him to get the van and it hits me like a ton of bricks....I am going to pass gas and I can not stop it.  So I did the best I could under the circumstances, said "Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, Iam so embarrassed, and I let it rip!!!!  It was the best part of the whole trip I have to tell ya. 

So after we got home last night from the hospital, I wanted a bologna and cheese sandwich with potato chips and miracle whip...IN THE WORST WAY.  Does that mean I am a failure or does that mean that I just felt hungry, and it is something that I like to eat?  I don't know.  Today, that desire has not gone away but it's okay.  Drink, drink, drink. 

I guess that is all I have for today.  I hear the pain medicine calling me and lesson learned and if you haven't had this surgery yet, do not go to the mall the day after coming home from the hospital.  Dumb idea.  Have a wonderful night all.

Well, it's done... I'm doing okay. He said he did a tight sleeve. Not sure what that means but at this point I don't care. Home tonight.

Oh My Gosh....it really can't be...

Is it really November 5th?  I will have surgery in just 4 more days?  I'm not ready!  Oh yes I am!  Seriously, I don't have the right foods in the house, I didn't pay the bills yet.  I have to get someone to help me clean out that one room.  And and and and and. 

I am serious.  My head is about to burst with all these thoughts.  Like there are all these teardrop blurbs crowding the old cranium.  I know it will be fine.  It is just getting there.  I have been so patient waiting for this and now....I need more time to get prepared.  I just don't have everything done that I wanted to get done.

Okay, just breathe.  Its okay.  I feel better.  Until later.

Just checking to see if I set this mobile thing right.  If I did I will be whining on here sooner than I thought

The Time Is Near....

Well, one week from tomorrow will be the day.  The day my new life starts?  The day my new journey starts?  I don't really know what THAT day means to me yet.  I have so many emotions running through my head that I can't hardly think straight.

For starters, I am scared to death.  I had to actually put it into words recently to a friend that asked what I was afraid of.  I just spit out that I was afraid of failing.  Failing what?  Of failing the sleeve, of failing the surgeon/team, of failing me.  I have started this so called journey so many different times in the past I am truly scared of failing one more time.  I know a lot of people are telling me they are here for me and I believe them.  I just have to believe myself though.  And I believe I will, just not today.

Next, I am so dammed excited I can't stand it.  The possibilities are so endless that it makes my head spin.  I read other peoples blogs and I get so excited as I read their successes and then I get sad when they talk about their backslides.  I then come back to number one...I'm excited about the endless possibilities but of course they couldn't happen to me. 

I have my last set of tests tomorrow.  I'm so very glad about that.  I wish it was next week already so that I can just get over the initial week and move on but this week will probably drag.  I have to work Thursday/Friday and Sunday and Monday so that will help.  I have told my husband that after the surgeon tells him how the surgery went I want him to leave.  He will have worked all night the night before so he will be tired and honestly I do't feel that I don't need him hanging around watching me attempt to drink my fluids and get up and walk.  He said he would be back the next day and I told him no.  We live probably an hour and 15 minutes away and there really is no reason he needs to bring the kids up then just come back the next day to get me.  I hope I don't regret this decision but I just know me...I think I will be better off by myself post surgery.

Okay, I think that is it for today.  I can't figure out how to blog from my phone so I probably won't be able to from the hospital.  Not that I would want to anyway.  Oh well, soon enough I will be blogging about how ......I'm not sure what I will be blogging but I will blog anyway. 

I'm Not Counting the Days....YET!!

Today, I finally got to attend the Nutritional class that my Physician offers and requires.  Man oh man I wish I had been able to attend this a long time ago.  It cleared up so many questions I have been having but didn't know that I should be asking them.  I guess that sounds wierd but I didn't think about it.  I figured that at some point the answers would appear....and they did. 

My surgery is scheduled for November 9th.  Wow.  It is coming up so fast and just a couple weeks ago I'm thinking that I will never have surgery.  There are a couple of things that scare me terribly.  One, is puking.  I don't want to EVER puke.  So, the next fear, dehydration because I will be afraid to drink too much for fear of puking.  I have so many thoughts running around my head....it's hard to even post today.  I will sum it up by admitting that I am getting worried and a little bit apprehensive.  I know it will be okay, it's just getting there.

Okay, I'm off to work.  Have a good one everyone.

HOT and still heavy in Florida!!

My husband and I brought two of the kids to Florida to do the Disney thing.  Tonight is our last night and I am washing clothes and packing.  You have to be so very creative to get all the "legal" stuff in the right bag or you have to give it up at the check in.  I was getting flustered over the toy giraffe being just a toy or a potential weapon so I decided to get on here for a minute before I pack up the laptop.

It has been so terribly hot here!  I'm not kidding, in every last photo that escaped my halting, my hair looks like I haven't washed it in weeks, and it looks as though I have just gotten off a water ride.  I took to using one of the resorts hand towels and wetting it constantly during the day to use as a sweat wiper!  A few weeks ago we had that terrible heat wave...remember?  Well, that was nothing to this.  I swear, I told my husband, "if I didn't lose at least 10 pounds I will just have a stroke right there on the scale".  Well, needless to say I don't have a scale so I won't be able to tell but honestly I do not think I lost a pound.  On the contrary I have been so dehydrated that I have probably gained some weight.  Back home I am being informed that the weather is cold at a little below 50 degrees and rainy.  I say bring it on...at least for a day or two.  Everyone back home has been putting the heat on already and we haven't even closed our pool yet?  Really?  What the hell?

We, of course, went souvenier shopping and I bought one shirt that has Mickey and the gang on it.  Now, for a little background, I have been wearing the same three Mickey shirts that I bought in 2001.  They are threadbare and have holes in them but I feel the best when I have them on.  I feel that they cover the fat best.  I am sure this is a figment of my imagination and I'm okay with that.  Anyway, I tried the shirt on tonight, 3X, and it fit as I suspected.  My loving husband says to me being sincere, "you should have bought several more so that you can throw those old things out".  I said back to him...."I certainly hope to be wearing totally different clothes by next summer so that I why I only bought one".  He said, oh yea....You are going to be rocking next summer.  Wasn't that nice of him?  I totally disagree with him because I can't picture anything more than what is at this moment but God bless him.

Okay, I think I have rested enough.  I can take on the giraffe toy now.  Have a good one all.

Well, here we are.  Off the steroids, and quickly putting back on the 8 pounds that I lost.  I don't think I have lost any since my initial weight at the Dr.'s office.  I see him the middle of October...I am going to feel just aweful if I haven't even lost my 10 pounds that he requires according to my BMI.  We leave for Disneyworld this Thursday so my hope is that I am good with my choices and all the walking and such will pay off.

I am so looking forward to a relaxing time even though we are going to be at Disney.  I need it.  I crave it.  I demand it.  We will see.  I have downloaded four books to my Kindle in anticipation of relaxing pool side.  I hope I hvaen't jinxed myself. 

I am taking my laptop with me so will try to blog while I am there.  Have a good week everyone. 

Judy

Well,

Thanks so very much to PenPen for responding to me and putting some of my fears to rest.  You are absolutely right when you say that I can't imagine what after surgery will be like because I can't.  I try, but I can't.  It is almost like this decision has just taken over my life.  In a good way.  I really truly felt that I would go absolutely crazy after surgery if there was something I want and can't have.  Okay, I'm talking pizza here.  That food is probably my all time favorite food....and I am so worried that I can't have it.  But having reading some other blogs I know that with the proper preparing, I can. 

We had to laugh today because I shared with my husband that I chose November ninth for my surgery but how stupid that was.  He asked me why and I said that I was off this year for Thanksgiving and I would probably still be on pureed foods....well he didn't miss a beat.  He made the sound of the blender and said, don't worry, we will fix ya up.  What is weird is I probably couldn't have picked a better day for the surgery.  I won't be tempted to over indulge and make myself sick with all the helpings.  So, yes, I think I made a good choice after all.

All in all, today is a good day.  Of course the night is not over.  Will keep plugging away, posting my fears and hoping you don't get sick of me.  Thanks for all the support.