Happy New Year!!!!!

I can happily report that I started out 2012 in ONEDERLAND!!!!  I raced to the scale yesterday morning and sure enough I was in the one hundreds.  I had been seeing a few 190's numbers but they would quickly disappear but I don't care....that is my story and I'm sticking to it.

I still see "fat" in the mirror and that is okay.  I have gone down to a size 20 jean...snug in the waist, baggy in butt and legs as usual but nonetheless, not size 24/26.  I am happy.  I don't know if I can say I love my sleeve yet but I do love the fact that I can get up out of my recliner without help and I can work for twelve hours and not cry with pain in my legs.  So I love the results I'm getting, just not getting there.  I'm still having real troubles getting in the fluid, food and proteins.  I will get there though. 

Happy New Year to all of you. 

Already?

Well, here we are and I can't believe that it has only been just shy of 6 weeks and all the changes that are taking place not only in me but around me.  I don't think that if you haven't had this surgery then there is no way you would get it, at all.

There is the fact that yes I am losing weight, numbers, and my legs feel incredible!  All my life my eyes and my legs have been my treasured attributes.  Then when I was diagnosed with hypertension my legs started retaining fluid and that shot the legs.  Well, now, I am actually getting my definition back and I could have sworn that I noticed a knee cap the other day!  I couldn't believe it!!  I also notice that I can do a 12 hour shift and not be crying in agony walking to my car at the end of the day. 

I know I am losing like I said but in my head it still says FAT!!  I haven't tried to go smaller on my clothes even though several people have said that I should.  I think that it is a comfort thing, a safety thing.  So I keep wearing the same three disney shirts and one work shirt and the same two pair of jeans that fit me before surgery.  I absolutely hate to shop anyway, so the thought of having to do that makes me ill.  Plus the fact that I hate spending money on clothes.  All I need are new jammies and my scrubs for work are provided for me at work.  There, new wardrobe.

The sick feeling that I had been experiencing is slowly ebbing away every time I eat.  I know that I am waiting too long in between meals because then I get a sick sick feeling in my abdomin and then I start to eat like a zombie.  I also started really watching and noticing how I feel with certain foods.  I have cut back on heavy foods like a lot of meat and am increasing the veges and fruits.  I still attack popsicles and italian ices but for now that is what suits me.  I have not been able to get back into my protein drink like before surgery but I have been able to manage a couple shakes in the last week or so, so maybe it will all come full circle.  I hope so because I had noticed that my hair was thickening up and now not so much.

I have also found that in order to get my fluids in, not quite 64 oz. but close, is to drink the diet Nestea Iced Tea but it HAS TO BE IN THE BOTTLE.  I know, weird but I can't help it.  So I am drinking that and water and I am not as dehydrated as I was for sure.  PenPen, you were right....it is getting better and for now I do not have buyers remorse.  Thanks for your words of encouragement.  They do help tremendously!

Til next time which will be after Christmas I am sure have a wonderful holiday/Christmas.

I had a secret...

I stopped my friend at work the other night and I asked her if I could trust her to keep a secret for me.  She of course said yes, which I already knew. 

Before I told her my secret I asked her a lot of questions about how long she felt that she would never feel that eating was normal again, and to even drink water was such a big ordeal...well, she assured me that it took a while for everything to come together for her and for her pouch to be able to handle bigger or more frequent bites. 

I then told her that my secret was that if I have to live like this the rest of my life then I am so very sorry I had the surgery.  I don't mean that I am upset that I can't eat as much and I have to watch.  No, it is the fact that I can't take any bigger of a bite than a baby spoon and I can't take more than 10-12cc of fluid at any one time.  That is just not natural for me.  What will I do in the summer when I have been outside and I am dying of thirst?  Take a sip??????  Bullshit....I am a guzzler and I am a scarfer of food. 

I know this is the hardest thing I will have to conquer in this journey.  Please share your successes with me...does it get better?  Will I always and forever have to sip and have to wait 3 minutes in between unless I want my heart to feel like it is exploding? 

I am happy that I am losing weight...my legs feel so much better already.  I am not sorry that I can't over indulge.  I am sad that I have to take so long to eat or drink.  I will overcome this, I know I will, but it has just been very hard for me.

Thanks for reading.

18 days out

I really don't even remember what my last post was or when.  The last 18 days have been weird for me.  I don't really know how I feel really about any of it.  I will try to explain, to no one but myself really, but feel free to enter into my brain for a moment.

Since surgery I have felt super good....physically.  I don't know if it is because I knew I had to go back to work in just a little over a week or what but I just pushed myself to get up every morning and walk around the pool.  I started with one lap then increased it every time I did it.  I did laps that way for the first 4-5 days.  Thank goodness the pool is in the back yard and it is hidden by the fence.  That way I didn't care what I looked like.  Jammies and all...off I went.  It didn't help, or maybe it did, that my husband only had one day off with me once I returned from the hospital.  He went back to work and I had the kids.  Now to be fair, I could have taken Michael to the sitters but I just couldn't see the benefit of it.  Why pay the sitter when I'm here.  I think I did take him one day when I just didn't have it in me to chase after him.

Food wise, or liquid wise I should say, has been the biggest obstacle for me.  I know I am getting dehydrated but I just couldn't do one more liquid thing.  On days 11,12, and 13 I pretty much quit drinking....period.  NOTHING looked, smelled, sounded or tasted good.  AT ALL!!!!  I don't think it helped with me having the topical reactions that I was having to the glue or sutures or bandages or whatever.  My PCP had put me on antibiotics and one of them got stuck and it really never felt like it cleared so I really think that was a lot of my problems.  When I saw my surgeon on day 13, he said to stop the antibiotics and I did, gladly.  After that I was able to start on the soft foods.  Can I just tell you that the world all of a sudden lost the grayness surrounding it?  All of a sudden, life had purpose again. 

Let me just say that through all of that liquid business I had to go back to work.  So of course those that knew that I had the surgery wanted to know all the particulars, and those that didn't know quickly found out and then wanted to know all the particulars.  So it was very interesting to say the least.  I hadn't even told my families...well my sister, mother in law and one sister in law knew of the family.  Why?????  I don't know.  I think I have seen so much judgement and smart ass comments surrounding any type of weight loss surgery that I just didn't want to hear it.  Truly I don't think I would have met with any negativity from the families but for some reason, in my cobwebby head, this was something I was doing for me and only me and I didn't really care what anyone else thought.  I know that sounds so very ugly and I don't mean it to but I have had to wake up daily for over half my life and immediately think rotten terrible thoughts about myself that I just didn't want to have to defend my actions or my reasonings.  So I didn't tell many people.

Anyway, I lost my train of thought.  Since starting the soft foods I have been eating more and drinking more although it has been mostly water because there still isn't anything that sounds good to me.  I haven't even been able to get my protein shake in but I still try.  I'm sure it will get fixed within my head but just not right now.  I have added things like eggs, mashed potatos, tuna and small bits of canned fruits in water.  I am so much happier.  My only problem right now is remembering to slow down and chew, chew, chew!  I really am a fast eater at heart and it is very hard to break that cycle.  That chest freeze that you experience in the middle of your chest when you swallow to much too fast is enough to send me into orbit so I have to constantly remind myself....SLOW DOWN you idiot!!!!!

I have not, to date, puked anything back up.  I don't plan on it either.  I just refuse to eat that much that it happens.  So if nothing else I am more on that cautious side of things and I don't care....entry only here folks. 

Also, I HATE, DETEST, CAN'T STOMACH fish.  However, I have gotten on the old computer and looked up some recipes and my husband and I went to the store last night and actually picked up some Cod.  I am not happy about it, but I need the protein.  My first recipe is of course beer battered but my plan is to take the breading off before eating it.  I did buy tarter sauce as a cover up just in case.  My husband is thrilled as he and his whole family are avid fish eaters and he is excited to think that fish may be introduced into our lives. 

I know I have been rambling on and on but it's all been stuck here in my head.  I took a mental health day off of work today, yes without pay, but I need it.  I have been going non-stop since September and I just needed it.

I don't know how to put up the little graph thing that a lot of you do to show the measurements and weight losses but since my journey began I am down 29.6 pounds and since surgery I am down 16.2 pounds.  I don't even want to compare to any of you because I think I am behind the eight ball but already my knees feel so much better and working a twelve hour shift is already so much easier.

Thanks for reading.  Have a wonderful day all.

Not sure.

Well, today is the mark of week one of my sleeve surgery.  I feel great even though I have had to do way more than I should have after having surgery.  Not because of my physicians but because my family having so many demands.  Like I started driving 4 days post-op, I have had to watch and discipline the 3 year old sooooooooo much more since mommy has been down which means getting ahold of him etc.  I didn't actually lift him but whatever.

The horrible reaction to whatever I'm having the horrible reaction to is still here.  Got in to see my PCP and they are all very infected.  She called it something but I don't care what it is just fix it.  So I am now on two antibiotics and a topical cream.  Doesn't hurt but itches like crazy.

I am about to go crazy because I want to CHEW, CHEW, CHEW!!!!!!!  I know in just a week I can go to soft foods but it is killing me that I can't have anything solid.  Crazy!!!  Any ideas?  I have been doing the protein drinks, soups, jellos, yogurts, crystal light drinks.  How am I going to get through until Tuesday??????

Okay, I have more to say but I have to get all the errands done before the 6 year old needs picked up at school.  Til later.....

Well, I'm alive

and I'm doing okay.  I'm sore as anything and I do believe that I am having a terrible allergic reaction to the bandaides or something so I am sure that will require a call to the Dr. this weekend.  I can't really sleep even with pain medicine.  I think that my mind is just whirling and I can't shut it down.  I will though.  We have had such tremendous craziness around here for months it seems.  Maybe now we can start to settle in.

I know I am not getting in what I'm supposed to get in but I am trying.  I just forget to drink.  I did get part of a protein shake in this morning, then some water, then part of a crystal light flavored water that I have been sipping on all day.  I did the stupidest thing, well among others, but my six year old needed a coat.  Now, my husband is perfectly capable of buying a coat for a six year old but nnnooooooo.  I had to go too.  So off WE go.  Me, hubby, our 19 year old mentally challenged son, our 6 year old, a three year old foster child that we hope to adopt very very soon, and our newly acquired 17 year old female AND her two month old premature baby that I actually got to take care of after his birth. 

Did I say craziness around here?  Okay, so while we are there, I have them get me a wheelchair, we had the stroller with the baby in it, and a buggy with stuff and the three year old.  Off we go to get a coat....a lousy gosh blessed coat.  What a fiasco.  Well, we finally got the coat, a few outfits for the baby, winter shirts for the 3 year old and to show my foster girl how proud I was of her for making good choices this past week and following several certain rules I wanted to treat her to getting her nails done.  Any other time IN THE WORLD, my husband would say I'm out of here I will meet you down at the play area.  OH NO...he stayed so far up our rear ends that I couldn't have farted if I had to, which I would love to do by the way.  The long and short of it, we went to the chinese restaurant, smart?????, and the owner felt sorry cuz she "coood tell I nawsius" so she gave me a small bowl of wonton broth, no charge.  Well, I'm thinking, hell, what can I have at this time in the game at a freakin chinese restaurant?????  So I ate half the bowl of wonton broth.  I didn't get sick, I'm happy.  We left, got the girl with the nails, and got out of there.

Had to drop the 19 year old off at his apartment, went through Long Johns for her cuz she missed supper.....why did she want that?  Of all times, tonight she has to have that.  OOOHHHHH....I forgot the most wonderfully, pitiful, funny, embarrassing things.  We are standing by the door waiting on him to get the van and it hits me like a ton of bricks....I am going to pass gas and I can not stop it.  So I did the best I could under the circumstances, said "Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, Iam so embarrassed, and I let it rip!!!!  It was the best part of the whole trip I have to tell ya. 

So after we got home last night from the hospital, I wanted a bologna and cheese sandwich with potato chips and miracle whip...IN THE WORST WAY.  Does that mean I am a failure or does that mean that I just felt hungry, and it is something that I like to eat?  I don't know.  Today, that desire has not gone away but it's okay.  Drink, drink, drink. 

I guess that is all I have for today.  I hear the pain medicine calling me and lesson learned and if you haven't had this surgery yet, do not go to the mall the day after coming home from the hospital.  Dumb idea.  Have a wonderful night all.

Well, it's done... I'm doing okay. He said he did a tight sleeve. Not sure what that means but at this point I don't care. Home tonight.