I went to Walmart the other day to pick up a few things and I happened to see a cute shirt hanging on a rack.  My first reaction was "too bad I can't wear that".  I went on down the aisle.  I stopped, came back, checked the size....I BOUGHT IT!!!!!!!  It was a large and it is a bit tighter than I think I should wear but I got it by darned.

How exciting is that?  OMG, I know it has been six months since my surgery but I am finding out so many things about me here lately!  I still can't seem to get my protein in but let me tell ya....I was never a sweet or chocolate eater...and now me and babe ruth are on first name basis.  I know I should stop but I am addicted.  I am aware of it though and will definitely have to watch.  I also find that I can eat chicken tenders or chicken planks from long johns.  Only 1-1 1/2 but still.  I should not be able to eat that.....I don't want to be able to eat that.  It's in my head...fix my head fix my head. 

Was able to get in the pool today because the water temp finally got above 80.  That was nice and I did lay out a bit.  Of course I fell asleep and do you think one of the 6 kids would have said "turn over"???  Oh heavens no.  One woke me to ask if she could go with a friend, the next one woke me to tell me the other one had left with a friend, the next one woke me to ask about his laptop, and another one woke me to ask me if I knew where the other one's laptop was and it is broken.  But say "hey mom, turn over you are burning?????"  Have a good one.

It has been quite some time since I last posted.  Who knows where the time goes but it certainly goes fast.

This morning I weighed in at 165.6pounds!  I see that number and I am amazed.  I still don't believe it is my weight.  Surely it is someone elses!  Today marks 6 months since my sleeve was done.  Oh the changes in the last 6 months make me shake my head.

I recently had the opportunity to get some new clothes.  We, a bunch of friends and I, were in Old Navy.  I had never been able to buy clothes there because they just didn't fit.  Long story short I was able to fit into a size 12 capri!!!  I cried, friends cried and I went to two more stores to test the theory that it was just the way they were made.  I was able to get size 12's in all the stores!  I still don't think of myself as "thin" but I certainly am getting the compliments so I am definitely going in the right direction. 

I am able to eat more now too.  I can get in way more calories and have been really working hard on getting my protein in.  Still haven't mastered taking the pills I should but baby steps here.  I no longer have buyers remorse.  I am so glad I had the surgery. 

Thanks for all the support.

bout time

I haven't posted in like forever and there is no reason really.  I have been so very busy with work and our foster kids as well as our bio kids.  Currently we have four foster kids in our home, 17, 12, 3, and 6 months.  With their Dr. appts. and Dentist appts, and pulmonologists and on and on and on it has been quite crazy. 

To date I really don't know where I stand in the health department.  I went to the surgeon for my three month follow up and they said words like, you have done better than anticipated....you have lost 50% of your excess body weight instead of the 35% we predicted.  Keep up the good work. 

Okay, that is all nice to hear but......my diet still consists of under 400 calories a day, less than 20 grams of protein and under 20 ounces of fluid!  So do I have a grip on lifelong nutrition?  OH HELL NO.  It is getting better in the respect that I can eat different stuff now but I still can't take any of the vitamins and stuff cuz they fill me up so bad that I can't eat then.  I can't stomach the chewables either like pre surgery. 

Fluids are better however I can't stand the thought of a protein drink of any kind. Before surgery I couldn't wait for the shake but now....yuck.  I have been assured that it will get better and it will.  So I just plow along.  I find that I am craving stuff now that I never craved before surgery....like pastry.  I am not a big sweet eater so this surprises me. 

I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 179.6 which is down 66.4 from my heaviest, 59.4 from my first appt. with the surgeon and 50 pounds since day of surgery.  My clothes are bigger of course but when I look into the mirror I still see 246 pounds.  I am complaining today....it will get better.  I know this.  I read what all of you have done and how happy you are and I know my turn is coming.  Thanks.

Happy New Year!!!!!

I can happily report that I started out 2012 in ONEDERLAND!!!!  I raced to the scale yesterday morning and sure enough I was in the one hundreds.  I had been seeing a few 190's numbers but they would quickly disappear but I don't care....that is my story and I'm sticking to it.

I still see "fat" in the mirror and that is okay.  I have gone down to a size 20 jean...snug in the waist, baggy in butt and legs as usual but nonetheless, not size 24/26.  I am happy.  I don't know if I can say I love my sleeve yet but I do love the fact that I can get up out of my recliner without help and I can work for twelve hours and not cry with pain in my legs.  So I love the results I'm getting, just not getting there.  I'm still having real troubles getting in the fluid, food and proteins.  I will get there though. 

Happy New Year to all of you. 

Already?

Well, here we are and I can't believe that it has only been just shy of 6 weeks and all the changes that are taking place not only in me but around me.  I don't think that if you haven't had this surgery then there is no way you would get it, at all.

There is the fact that yes I am losing weight, numbers, and my legs feel incredible!  All my life my eyes and my legs have been my treasured attributes.  Then when I was diagnosed with hypertension my legs started retaining fluid and that shot the legs.  Well, now, I am actually getting my definition back and I could have sworn that I noticed a knee cap the other day!  I couldn't believe it!!  I also notice that I can do a 12 hour shift and not be crying in agony walking to my car at the end of the day. 

I know I am losing like I said but in my head it still says FAT!!  I haven't tried to go smaller on my clothes even though several people have said that I should.  I think that it is a comfort thing, a safety thing.  So I keep wearing the same three disney shirts and one work shirt and the same two pair of jeans that fit me before surgery.  I absolutely hate to shop anyway, so the thought of having to do that makes me ill.  Plus the fact that I hate spending money on clothes.  All I need are new jammies and my scrubs for work are provided for me at work.  There, new wardrobe.

The sick feeling that I had been experiencing is slowly ebbing away every time I eat.  I know that I am waiting too long in between meals because then I get a sick sick feeling in my abdomin and then I start to eat like a zombie.  I also started really watching and noticing how I feel with certain foods.  I have cut back on heavy foods like a lot of meat and am increasing the veges and fruits.  I still attack popsicles and italian ices but for now that is what suits me.  I have not been able to get back into my protein drink like before surgery but I have been able to manage a couple shakes in the last week or so, so maybe it will all come full circle.  I hope so because I had noticed that my hair was thickening up and now not so much.

I have also found that in order to get my fluids in, not quite 64 oz. but close, is to drink the diet Nestea Iced Tea but it HAS TO BE IN THE BOTTLE.  I know, weird but I can't help it.  So I am drinking that and water and I am not as dehydrated as I was for sure.  PenPen, you were right....it is getting better and for now I do not have buyers remorse.  Thanks for your words of encouragement.  They do help tremendously!

Til next time which will be after Christmas I am sure have a wonderful holiday/Christmas.

I had a secret...

I stopped my friend at work the other night and I asked her if I could trust her to keep a secret for me.  She of course said yes, which I already knew. 

Before I told her my secret I asked her a lot of questions about how long she felt that she would never feel that eating was normal again, and to even drink water was such a big ordeal...well, she assured me that it took a while for everything to come together for her and for her pouch to be able to handle bigger or more frequent bites. 

I then told her that my secret was that if I have to live like this the rest of my life then I am so very sorry I had the surgery.  I don't mean that I am upset that I can't eat as much and I have to watch.  No, it is the fact that I can't take any bigger of a bite than a baby spoon and I can't take more than 10-12cc of fluid at any one time.  That is just not natural for me.  What will I do in the summer when I have been outside and I am dying of thirst?  Take a sip??????  Bullshit....I am a guzzler and I am a scarfer of food. 

I know this is the hardest thing I will have to conquer in this journey.  Please share your successes with me...does it get better?  Will I always and forever have to sip and have to wait 3 minutes in between unless I want my heart to feel like it is exploding? 

I am happy that I am losing weight...my legs feel so much better already.  I am not sorry that I can't over indulge.  I am sad that I have to take so long to eat or drink.  I will overcome this, I know I will, but it has just been very hard for me.

Thanks for reading.

18 days out

I really don't even remember what my last post was or when.  The last 18 days have been weird for me.  I don't really know how I feel really about any of it.  I will try to explain, to no one but myself really, but feel free to enter into my brain for a moment.

Since surgery I have felt super good....physically.  I don't know if it is because I knew I had to go back to work in just a little over a week or what but I just pushed myself to get up every morning and walk around the pool.  I started with one lap then increased it every time I did it.  I did laps that way for the first 4-5 days.  Thank goodness the pool is in the back yard and it is hidden by the fence.  That way I didn't care what I looked like.  Jammies and all...off I went.  It didn't help, or maybe it did, that my husband only had one day off with me once I returned from the hospital.  He went back to work and I had the kids.  Now to be fair, I could have taken Michael to the sitters but I just couldn't see the benefit of it.  Why pay the sitter when I'm here.  I think I did take him one day when I just didn't have it in me to chase after him.

Food wise, or liquid wise I should say, has been the biggest obstacle for me.  I know I am getting dehydrated but I just couldn't do one more liquid thing.  On days 11,12, and 13 I pretty much quit drinking....period.  NOTHING looked, smelled, sounded or tasted good.  AT ALL!!!!  I don't think it helped with me having the topical reactions that I was having to the glue or sutures or bandages or whatever.  My PCP had put me on antibiotics and one of them got stuck and it really never felt like it cleared so I really think that was a lot of my problems.  When I saw my surgeon on day 13, he said to stop the antibiotics and I did, gladly.  After that I was able to start on the soft foods.  Can I just tell you that the world all of a sudden lost the grayness surrounding it?  All of a sudden, life had purpose again. 

Let me just say that through all of that liquid business I had to go back to work.  So of course those that knew that I had the surgery wanted to know all the particulars, and those that didn't know quickly found out and then wanted to know all the particulars.  So it was very interesting to say the least.  I hadn't even told my families...well my sister, mother in law and one sister in law knew of the family.  Why?????  I don't know.  I think I have seen so much judgement and smart ass comments surrounding any type of weight loss surgery that I just didn't want to hear it.  Truly I don't think I would have met with any negativity from the families but for some reason, in my cobwebby head, this was something I was doing for me and only me and I didn't really care what anyone else thought.  I know that sounds so very ugly and I don't mean it to but I have had to wake up daily for over half my life and immediately think rotten terrible thoughts about myself that I just didn't want to have to defend my actions or my reasonings.  So I didn't tell many people.

Anyway, I lost my train of thought.  Since starting the soft foods I have been eating more and drinking more although it has been mostly water because there still isn't anything that sounds good to me.  I haven't even been able to get my protein shake in but I still try.  I'm sure it will get fixed within my head but just not right now.  I have added things like eggs, mashed potatos, tuna and small bits of canned fruits in water.  I am so much happier.  My only problem right now is remembering to slow down and chew, chew, chew!  I really am a fast eater at heart and it is very hard to break that cycle.  That chest freeze that you experience in the middle of your chest when you swallow to much too fast is enough to send me into orbit so I have to constantly remind myself....SLOW DOWN you idiot!!!!!

I have not, to date, puked anything back up.  I don't plan on it either.  I just refuse to eat that much that it happens.  So if nothing else I am more on that cautious side of things and I don't care....entry only here folks. 

Also, I HATE, DETEST, CAN'T STOMACH fish.  However, I have gotten on the old computer and looked up some recipes and my husband and I went to the store last night and actually picked up some Cod.  I am not happy about it, but I need the protein.  My first recipe is of course beer battered but my plan is to take the breading off before eating it.  I did buy tarter sauce as a cover up just in case.  My husband is thrilled as he and his whole family are avid fish eaters and he is excited to think that fish may be introduced into our lives. 

I know I have been rambling on and on but it's all been stuck here in my head.  I took a mental health day off of work today, yes without pay, but I need it.  I have been going non-stop since September and I just needed it.

I don't know how to put up the little graph thing that a lot of you do to show the measurements and weight losses but since my journey began I am down 29.6 pounds and since surgery I am down 16.2 pounds.  I don't even want to compare to any of you because I think I am behind the eight ball but already my knees feel so much better and working a twelve hour shift is already so much easier.

Thanks for reading.  Have a wonderful day all.