18 days out

I really don't even remember what my last post was or when.  The last 18 days have been weird for me.  I don't really know how I feel really about any of it.  I will try to explain, to no one but myself really, but feel free to enter into my brain for a moment.

Since surgery I have felt super good....physically.  I don't know if it is because I knew I had to go back to work in just a little over a week or what but I just pushed myself to get up every morning and walk around the pool.  I started with one lap then increased it every time I did it.  I did laps that way for the first 4-5 days.  Thank goodness the pool is in the back yard and it is hidden by the fence.  That way I didn't care what I looked like.  Jammies and all...off I went.  It didn't help, or maybe it did, that my husband only had one day off with me once I returned from the hospital.  He went back to work and I had the kids.  Now to be fair, I could have taken Michael to the sitters but I just couldn't see the benefit of it.  Why pay the sitter when I'm here.  I think I did take him one day when I just didn't have it in me to chase after him.

Food wise, or liquid wise I should say, has been the biggest obstacle for me.  I know I am getting dehydrated but I just couldn't do one more liquid thing.  On days 11,12, and 13 I pretty much quit drinking....period.  NOTHING looked, smelled, sounded or tasted good.  AT ALL!!!!  I don't think it helped with me having the topical reactions that I was having to the glue or sutures or bandages or whatever.  My PCP had put me on antibiotics and one of them got stuck and it really never felt like it cleared so I really think that was a lot of my problems.  When I saw my surgeon on day 13, he said to stop the antibiotics and I did, gladly.  After that I was able to start on the soft foods.  Can I just tell you that the world all of a sudden lost the grayness surrounding it?  All of a sudden, life had purpose again. 

Let me just say that through all of that liquid business I had to go back to work.  So of course those that knew that I had the surgery wanted to know all the particulars, and those that didn't know quickly found out and then wanted to know all the particulars.  So it was very interesting to say the least.  I hadn't even told my families...well my sister, mother in law and one sister in law knew of the family.  Why?????  I don't know.  I think I have seen so much judgement and smart ass comments surrounding any type of weight loss surgery that I just didn't want to hear it.  Truly I don't think I would have met with any negativity from the families but for some reason, in my cobwebby head, this was something I was doing for me and only me and I didn't really care what anyone else thought.  I know that sounds so very ugly and I don't mean it to but I have had to wake up daily for over half my life and immediately think rotten terrible thoughts about myself that I just didn't want to have to defend my actions or my reasonings.  So I didn't tell many people.

Anyway, I lost my train of thought.  Since starting the soft foods I have been eating more and drinking more although it has been mostly water because there still isn't anything that sounds good to me.  I haven't even been able to get my protein shake in but I still try.  I'm sure it will get fixed within my head but just not right now.  I have added things like eggs, mashed potatos, tuna and small bits of canned fruits in water.  I am so much happier.  My only problem right now is remembering to slow down and chew, chew, chew!  I really am a fast eater at heart and it is very hard to break that cycle.  That chest freeze that you experience in the middle of your chest when you swallow to much too fast is enough to send me into orbit so I have to constantly remind myself....SLOW DOWN you idiot!!!!!

I have not, to date, puked anything back up.  I don't plan on it either.  I just refuse to eat that much that it happens.  So if nothing else I am more on that cautious side of things and I don't care....entry only here folks. 

Also, I HATE, DETEST, CAN'T STOMACH fish.  However, I have gotten on the old computer and looked up some recipes and my husband and I went to the store last night and actually picked up some Cod.  I am not happy about it, but I need the protein.  My first recipe is of course beer battered but my plan is to take the breading off before eating it.  I did buy tarter sauce as a cover up just in case.  My husband is thrilled as he and his whole family are avid fish eaters and he is excited to think that fish may be introduced into our lives. 

I know I have been rambling on and on but it's all been stuck here in my head.  I took a mental health day off of work today, yes without pay, but I need it.  I have been going non-stop since September and I just needed it.

I don't know how to put up the little graph thing that a lot of you do to show the measurements and weight losses but since my journey began I am down 29.6 pounds and since surgery I am down 16.2 pounds.  I don't even want to compare to any of you because I think I am behind the eight ball but already my knees feel so much better and working a twelve hour shift is already so much easier.

Thanks for reading.  Have a wonderful day all.

Not sure.

Well, today is the mark of week one of my sleeve surgery.  I feel great even though I have had to do way more than I should have after having surgery.  Not because of my physicians but because my family having so many demands.  Like I started driving 4 days post-op, I have had to watch and discipline the 3 year old sooooooooo much more since mommy has been down which means getting ahold of him etc.  I didn't actually lift him but whatever.

The horrible reaction to whatever I'm having the horrible reaction to is still here.  Got in to see my PCP and they are all very infected.  She called it something but I don't care what it is just fix it.  So I am now on two antibiotics and a topical cream.  Doesn't hurt but itches like crazy.

I am about to go crazy because I want to CHEW, CHEW, CHEW!!!!!!!  I know in just a week I can go to soft foods but it is killing me that I can't have anything solid.  Crazy!!!  Any ideas?  I have been doing the protein drinks, soups, jellos, yogurts, crystal light drinks.  How am I going to get through until Tuesday??????

Okay, I have more to say but I have to get all the errands done before the 6 year old needs picked up at school.  Til later.....

Well, I'm alive

and I'm doing okay.  I'm sore as anything and I do believe that I am having a terrible allergic reaction to the bandaides or something so I am sure that will require a call to the Dr. this weekend.  I can't really sleep even with pain medicine.  I think that my mind is just whirling and I can't shut it down.  I will though.  We have had such tremendous craziness around here for months it seems.  Maybe now we can start to settle in.

I know I am not getting in what I'm supposed to get in but I am trying.  I just forget to drink.  I did get part of a protein shake in this morning, then some water, then part of a crystal light flavored water that I have been sipping on all day.  I did the stupidest thing, well among others, but my six year old needed a coat.  Now, my husband is perfectly capable of buying a coat for a six year old but nnnooooooo.  I had to go too.  So off WE go.  Me, hubby, our 19 year old mentally challenged son, our 6 year old, a three year old foster child that we hope to adopt very very soon, and our newly acquired 17 year old female AND her two month old premature baby that I actually got to take care of after his birth. 

Did I say craziness around here?  Okay, so while we are there, I have them get me a wheelchair, we had the stroller with the baby in it, and a buggy with stuff and the three year old.  Off we go to get a coat....a lousy gosh blessed coat.  What a fiasco.  Well, we finally got the coat, a few outfits for the baby, winter shirts for the 3 year old and to show my foster girl how proud I was of her for making good choices this past week and following several certain rules I wanted to treat her to getting her nails done.  Any other time IN THE WORLD, my husband would say I'm out of here I will meet you down at the play area.  OH NO...he stayed so far up our rear ends that I couldn't have farted if I had to, which I would love to do by the way.  The long and short of it, we went to the chinese restaurant, smart?????, and the owner felt sorry cuz she "coood tell I nawsius" so she gave me a small bowl of wonton broth, no charge.  Well, I'm thinking, hell, what can I have at this time in the game at a freakin chinese restaurant?????  So I ate half the bowl of wonton broth.  I didn't get sick, I'm happy.  We left, got the girl with the nails, and got out of there.

Had to drop the 19 year old off at his apartment, went through Long Johns for her cuz she missed supper.....why did she want that?  Of all times, tonight she has to have that.  OOOHHHHH....I forgot the most wonderfully, pitiful, funny, embarrassing things.  We are standing by the door waiting on him to get the van and it hits me like a ton of bricks....I am going to pass gas and I can not stop it.  So I did the best I could under the circumstances, said "Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, Iam so embarrassed, and I let it rip!!!!  It was the best part of the whole trip I have to tell ya. 

So after we got home last night from the hospital, I wanted a bologna and cheese sandwich with potato chips and miracle whip...IN THE WORST WAY.  Does that mean I am a failure or does that mean that I just felt hungry, and it is something that I like to eat?  I don't know.  Today, that desire has not gone away but it's okay.  Drink, drink, drink. 

I guess that is all I have for today.  I hear the pain medicine calling me and lesson learned and if you haven't had this surgery yet, do not go to the mall the day after coming home from the hospital.  Dumb idea.  Have a wonderful night all.

Well, it's done... I'm doing okay. He said he did a tight sleeve. Not sure what that means but at this point I don't care. Home tonight.

Oh My Gosh....it really can't be...

Is it really November 5th?  I will have surgery in just 4 more days?  I'm not ready!  Oh yes I am!  Seriously, I don't have the right foods in the house, I didn't pay the bills yet.  I have to get someone to help me clean out that one room.  And and and and and. 

I am serious.  My head is about to burst with all these thoughts.  Like there are all these teardrop blurbs crowding the old cranium.  I know it will be fine.  It is just getting there.  I have been so patient waiting for this and now....I need more time to get prepared.  I just don't have everything done that I wanted to get done.

Okay, just breathe.  Its okay.  I feel better.  Until later.

Just checking to see if I set this mobile thing right.  If I did I will be whining on here sooner than I thought

The Time Is Near....

Well, one week from tomorrow will be the day.  The day my new life starts?  The day my new journey starts?  I don't really know what THAT day means to me yet.  I have so many emotions running through my head that I can't hardly think straight.

For starters, I am scared to death.  I had to actually put it into words recently to a friend that asked what I was afraid of.  I just spit out that I was afraid of failing.  Failing what?  Of failing the sleeve, of failing the surgeon/team, of failing me.  I have started this so called journey so many different times in the past I am truly scared of failing one more time.  I know a lot of people are telling me they are here for me and I believe them.  I just have to believe myself though.  And I believe I will, just not today.

Next, I am so dammed excited I can't stand it.  The possibilities are so endless that it makes my head spin.  I read other peoples blogs and I get so excited as I read their successes and then I get sad when they talk about their backslides.  I then come back to number one...I'm excited about the endless possibilities but of course they couldn't happen to me. 

I have my last set of tests tomorrow.  I'm so very glad about that.  I wish it was next week already so that I can just get over the initial week and move on but this week will probably drag.  I have to work Thursday/Friday and Sunday and Monday so that will help.  I have told my husband that after the surgeon tells him how the surgery went I want him to leave.  He will have worked all night the night before so he will be tired and honestly I do't feel that I don't need him hanging around watching me attempt to drink my fluids and get up and walk.  He said he would be back the next day and I told him no.  We live probably an hour and 15 minutes away and there really is no reason he needs to bring the kids up then just come back the next day to get me.  I hope I don't regret this decision but I just know me...I think I will be better off by myself post surgery.

Okay, I think that is it for today.  I can't figure out how to blog from my phone so I probably won't be able to from the hospital.  Not that I would want to anyway.  Oh well, soon enough I will be blogging about how ......I'm not sure what I will be blogging but I will blog anyway.