Today is the last day that I will have to spend a July as a FAT person trying to find something to wear on a hot day to my son's baseball game! I hope. It was awful. My laundry room looks like jolly green puked as I went through all of my clothes in the basket, then went to my drawers with the same result...NOTHING TO WEAR that didn't show off or accentuate my third abdomin. So I did what anyone else would do in this situation. No, I didn't stay home. I put on my one of two pair of capri's that fit, a tank that doesn't fit nicely and a red shirt of my 320 # husband. And you can still see my role. Today, I hate myself, my clothes, my weaknesses.
I went to the game, sweat so bad that when we got home I ran in the house, drank down water, then took a four hour nap. Because it was so f'n hot! We have been having a heat wave here in Ohio with heat indexes in the low 100's. So it is super hot anyway, but put all this extra fat on someone and you have a large sweaty piece of red headed shit is what you have. Can we tell this is not a good day?
After my nap we all got ready to come out to the camper and I literally started having an anxiety feeling. I have gained so much weight and since I haven't been out to the campground in a long time I guess I was worried what people would say or think. Do I give a shit what they say or think? I didn't think I did but maybe I do. My sister saw me and of course we have no secrets between us...didn't say anything about my weight, hates my hair. I hate my hair. My 3 year old foster son hates my hair. My 6 year old is smart enough to say it looks good. I know it looks like shit! The box said medium brown....this is only the second time I have ever done my own color. I can't help it. So until it grows out or I can get to my hairdresser for a fix I have to live with it. Maybe people will focus in on my hair instead of my fat.
Well, I guess I should truly just give it up and try to get to bed but after a four hour nap, what are the chances of that happening any time soon? Better days are coming. Aren't they?
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Fear go away!
I awakened this morning thinking that I miss talking to several people in my life. I haven't talked to my sister in quite some time simply because our schedules have not matched up at all. I have not told her or anyone in my husband's family that I am contemplating VSG surgery becaue I am afraid of rejection I suppose. Not that it matters but honestly I am having a hard enough time within myself deciding if this life altering, life-long committment is for me without a bunch of people telling me not to do it because.... I know that people do genuinely care for me but this one time this decision has to be my own. I won't be able to blame or praise anyone but me for this one and that is the way it should be.
I really haven't asked my husband what he thinks because I don't want to do this for him or not do it for him. I want to do this so that I can have a more healthy life so I can be around to raise my son and hopefully raise our foster child as well. I started late in life adopting children to begin with and I am going to be retirement age when Brady is graduating from high school. I want to still be very active and healthy at that point. The road I'm travelling now will not provide that for me.
I know I can buckle down and go back to WW but honestly I feel like my time has run out. I understand that VSG is a tool to be used in conjunction with watching intake, I understand that it is not the cure all. I just feel that it is right for me....for today anyway. Maybe I am selling myself short by not telling my sister. She may be very supportive but she is so like our mother....into the herbs and the all natural. I think it is funny actually. We never wanted to be like mom, and she is the spittin image. Hey Bren, I luv ya!
Anyway, I will tell her when it gets closer or after it is done or I don't know when. I will tell her. Once I am difinite in my own head....I will tell her.
I really haven't asked my husband what he thinks because I don't want to do this for him or not do it for him. I want to do this so that I can have a more healthy life so I can be around to raise my son and hopefully raise our foster child as well. I started late in life adopting children to begin with and I am going to be retirement age when Brady is graduating from high school. I want to still be very active and healthy at that point. The road I'm travelling now will not provide that for me.
I know I can buckle down and go back to WW but honestly I feel like my time has run out. I understand that VSG is a tool to be used in conjunction with watching intake, I understand that it is not the cure all. I just feel that it is right for me....for today anyway. Maybe I am selling myself short by not telling my sister. She may be very supportive but she is so like our mother....into the herbs and the all natural. I think it is funny actually. We never wanted to be like mom, and she is the spittin image. Hey Bren, I luv ya!
Anyway, I will tell her when it gets closer or after it is done or I don't know when. I will tell her. Once I am difinite in my own head....I will tell her.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Supportive hubby?
I forgot to mention that when I was eating my bologna/cheese bagel sandwiches, my husband asked me what I was typing on. I showed him my blog. Like a good husband he dutifully said, oh it looks good. Where is your before picture? Okay, here it comes!
So I show him. I say to him, "isn't that disgusting"? He says, "I don't know, I guess I'm used to seeing you that way". I want to say for the record right now, that was not at all the right thing to say. I don't know what he was supposed to say but not that. Instead of me rising to the occasion and attempting to stab him in the heart with a blunt object, I politely told him to take his mangy ass to bed. He, like a good husband, complied. I think he saw me eyeing up the wooden spoon I threaten to beat my dogs with. I don't know, I'm just sayin'.
So I show him. I say to him, "isn't that disgusting"? He says, "I don't know, I guess I'm used to seeing you that way". I want to say for the record right now, that was not at all the right thing to say. I don't know what he was supposed to say but not that. Instead of me rising to the occasion and attempting to stab him in the heart with a blunt object, I politely told him to take his mangy ass to bed. He, like a good husband, complied. I think he saw me eyeing up the wooden spoon I threaten to beat my dogs with. I don't know, I'm just sayin'.
Hard Realities
I had to work today.....a long twelve hours it was too. I work in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and I love love love my job. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not glad I am there. A lot of people probably think I'm crazy but I don't care. I love what I do. It took me almost twenty years to find my niche in nursing so I am going to love it. Today's shift was odd for me. Usually I am upbeat and jovial. Today, I just couldn't find anything to be jovial about and for the most part the parents of my babies were getting on my last nerve. Why am I telling this? I'm gettin to it. Hang on. To start with I didn't have the right size pants on, well at least I didn't think so. They felt too tight...so right there my mood starts to swing. So I put on the bigger pair, and now they are huge on me. I don't care. Next comes the top...my spare tire is bulging in this shirt. Are ya following me? Anyway, lets jump to me finally getting to go home. Finally, I was going to be able to just go sit in my car for a minute to relax and wrap my head around this mood before I get home. I leave the dressing room and there are two employees with a patient in a bed taking him somewhere for a test. They say, "jump on". Easy for you to say, I thought. I have my oversized lunch bucket that everyone makes fun of and another bag that I am carrying all my absolutely to die for essentials and I'm fat with a big spare tire! and you want me to "jump on". So instead of saying any of that I reply "oh okay, thanks".
Then I have to squeeze my fat gut around the corner of the bed with these Olive Oil skinny people and the sick guy in the bed watching me. Then I have to do it in reverse when it's time to get out of the elevator. I said to myself as soon as I got outside, "self, if you didn't think surgery was for you, think again". I am so tired of having those feelings and I hope that I never make anyone feel bad if they are heavy. I don't think I have but I certainly hope I never do.
So, anyway, drove home and ate a bagel bologna and baby swiss cheese sandwich, okay! I ate two of them!!! And this is where I have ended up. Sad isn't it? Bet you have been there though. I'm sorry to let all this out on anyone that will ever read this but surprisingly this journaling of sorts actually does feel a little better. So, thanks for reading, if anyone ever does. Have a wonderful evening.
Then I have to squeeze my fat gut around the corner of the bed with these Olive Oil skinny people and the sick guy in the bed watching me. Then I have to do it in reverse when it's time to get out of the elevator. I said to myself as soon as I got outside, "self, if you didn't think surgery was for you, think again". I am so tired of having those feelings and I hope that I never make anyone feel bad if they are heavy. I don't think I have but I certainly hope I never do.
So, anyway, drove home and ate a bagel bologna and baby swiss cheese sandwich, okay! I ate two of them!!! And this is where I have ended up. Sad isn't it? Bet you have been there though. I'm sorry to let all this out on anyone that will ever read this but surprisingly this journaling of sorts actually does feel a little better. So, thanks for reading, if anyone ever does. Have a wonderful evening.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
One down...many to go.
Well, the sleep study is completed. It wasn't bad at all in respect to pain or anything. My problem was that I was bored. And I couldn't fall asleep. I think I tossed and turned for over two hours getting more and more upset because I couldn't fall asleep. The tech was very nice though. He didn't yell at me or anything. He even had to unhook the wires so I could go to the bathroom. I kept kicking off the leads on my legs somehow and he would have to come in to fix them. He finally taped them on...thank goodness I shaved.
When he came in to get me up about 5:45am, I did not want to be pretty I can tell ya. I said "is it morning already"? He said yep, it's that time. So then I said "did I snore"? And he said "yep and thensome". I looked at him with a questioning look, like "aaaannndd that means what"? All he said was "I have a feeling that we will be seeing you back here before too long". NICE! I really never thought I would have to think about wearing CPAP. That sucks. Especially since I could very well have my surgery in the next 3 months and won't need it anymore. But whatever, I have committed to doing what I have to do in order to get a healthy life.
Don't laugh but I have been trying to do visual imagining. Don't know if that is spelled right. I picture myself get on a roller coaster with my son. I can't quite finish the picture because I really don't care for big roller coasters so I concentrate on the coaster seatbelt/bar actually fitting without the attendent having to lean on the dam thing until the bar clicks into place and my fat has wedged it's way up and down above and below the bar. Then I think about the theater when I don't have to have a seat in between my husband and I or a friend and I because my fat hangs over the arm of my chair. I haven't gone to the bedroom footage yet. I just can't do it.
My husband loves me for who I am. I know this. I believe this. But he will never ever understand that I don't love me for who I am, or better what I look like. He says I shouldn't worry about it because he loves me just the way I am....thanks honey but until I love me, that chapter has yet to be written. So hang in there if you can. Hopefully my feelings change real soon and I really start to like me. I can't imagine it. One of my friends that recently had by-pass bought some new clothes and I asked her if when she looked in the mirror could she really see and appreciate the difference in her body. She said, I don't know..I think so or something like that. I hope I do. Even when I had lost 50 pounds I can remember thinking that I didn't look any different. I knew my clothes were getting bigger but until now, looking back at pictures, I honestly didn't see a different girl in the mirror.
I'm so scared. Scared of having the surgery and failing, scared of having the surgery and succeeding, scared of not having surgery and of failing, and of course, not having the surgery and succeeding through a diet and exercise. Wow. I have admitted to being nervous and stuff but now it's out there. I'm scared to death. Is this the right thing to do? I think it is but how do you know for sure? Time will tell. Well, it's that time. Work in the morning so gotta go nite nite. I love nite nite time. Have a wonderful day tomorrow.
When he came in to get me up about 5:45am, I did not want to be pretty I can tell ya. I said "is it morning already"? He said yep, it's that time. So then I said "did I snore"? And he said "yep and thensome". I looked at him with a questioning look, like "aaaannndd that means what"? All he said was "I have a feeling that we will be seeing you back here before too long". NICE! I really never thought I would have to think about wearing CPAP. That sucks. Especially since I could very well have my surgery in the next 3 months and won't need it anymore. But whatever, I have committed to doing what I have to do in order to get a healthy life.
Don't laugh but I have been trying to do visual imagining. Don't know if that is spelled right. I picture myself get on a roller coaster with my son. I can't quite finish the picture because I really don't care for big roller coasters so I concentrate on the coaster seatbelt/bar actually fitting without the attendent having to lean on the dam thing until the bar clicks into place and my fat has wedged it's way up and down above and below the bar. Then I think about the theater when I don't have to have a seat in between my husband and I or a friend and I because my fat hangs over the arm of my chair. I haven't gone to the bedroom footage yet. I just can't do it.
My husband loves me for who I am. I know this. I believe this. But he will never ever understand that I don't love me for who I am, or better what I look like. He says I shouldn't worry about it because he loves me just the way I am....thanks honey but until I love me, that chapter has yet to be written. So hang in there if you can. Hopefully my feelings change real soon and I really start to like me. I can't imagine it. One of my friends that recently had by-pass bought some new clothes and I asked her if when she looked in the mirror could she really see and appreciate the difference in her body. She said, I don't know..I think so or something like that. I hope I do. Even when I had lost 50 pounds I can remember thinking that I didn't look any different. I knew my clothes were getting bigger but until now, looking back at pictures, I honestly didn't see a different girl in the mirror.
I'm so scared. Scared of having the surgery and failing, scared of having the surgery and succeeding, scared of not having surgery and of failing, and of course, not having the surgery and succeeding through a diet and exercise. Wow. I have admitted to being nervous and stuff but now it's out there. I'm scared to death. Is this the right thing to do? I think it is but how do you know for sure? Time will tell. Well, it's that time. Work in the morning so gotta go nite nite. I love nite nite time. Have a wonderful day tomorrow.
Monday, July 25, 2011
I'm off to see the Wizard?
I am scheduled to have my sleep study tonight. This is where they will find out the truth about the snoring my husband insists that I do. I of course tell him he is nuts when in fact he is telling the truth. I, at times, wake myself. I have to have this test as a pre-cursor to having bariatric surgery. A lot of people really do not know what this is. Basically, the way I look at it, the surgery will be giving me back a life that I truly have never had due to my up and down battle with my weight.
Anyway, I have researched the different types of bariatric surgeries and I have decided that the gastric sleeve is going to benefit me more than the others. Honestly I did not ever think that I would even entertain the thought of having surgery because "isn't that the easy way out"? Trust me, I have seen enough people have this surgery that I know it definitely is not the easy way out. To me, it is the last way out except maybe an early death. I would say that 96% of all the people I have known to have the surgery has gained ALL of their weight back except for 4. I hope I have learned from their mistakes. I hope that no one gets to say that about me in a couple of years.
Anyway, the sleep study. I'm not worried about it. Hell, it's a night away without interruptions so I can read a book, or watch a program without having to stop it four hundred times or have a conversation on the phone. Or oddly enough I could even go to sleep. Isn't that a novel idea?
To my knowledge after tonight I will have the psyche evaluation, EGD, lab work, and meetings with the nutritionist. I actually can't wait to meet with her as I have been told by the office staff that she really works with you concerning your day to day life and what foods you can fit into it that work for you and the lifestyle. I have already started drinking a protein shake on the days I go to work. I don't know why I haven't had a shake on my days off. It really is good tastin. Okay, until next time..Nighty night.
Anyway, I have researched the different types of bariatric surgeries and I have decided that the gastric sleeve is going to benefit me more than the others. Honestly I did not ever think that I would even entertain the thought of having surgery because "isn't that the easy way out"? Trust me, I have seen enough people have this surgery that I know it definitely is not the easy way out. To me, it is the last way out except maybe an early death. I would say that 96% of all the people I have known to have the surgery has gained ALL of their weight back except for 4. I hope I have learned from their mistakes. I hope that no one gets to say that about me in a couple of years.
Anyway, the sleep study. I'm not worried about it. Hell, it's a night away without interruptions so I can read a book, or watch a program without having to stop it four hundred times or have a conversation on the phone. Or oddly enough I could even go to sleep. Isn't that a novel idea?
To my knowledge after tonight I will have the psyche evaluation, EGD, lab work, and meetings with the nutritionist. I actually can't wait to meet with her as I have been told by the office staff that she really works with you concerning your day to day life and what foods you can fit into it that work for you and the lifestyle. I have already started drinking a protein shake on the days I go to work. I don't know why I haven't had a shake on my days off. It really is good tastin. Okay, until next time..Nighty night.
Introducing Me.
I have no idea why I decided to start a blog today, especially about me being fat and wanting to change it. It is what it is I suppose. It's just that I lose so much of my precious time on earth thinking about, fretting over, and getting depressed because I am fat. I am so very sick of even thinking about it. I'm like everyone else who has had an eating disorder, weight problem or whatever you would want to call it. I have tried the diets, succeeded at only one, Weight Watchers or WW, but life happened and I gained it all back and then some.
I have succeeded in so many ways in my life. I am a successful medial professional, successful mommy and wife, and gosh darn it I'm even a successful step-monster, I mean mother. Why then can I not stop this battle that I have been having with myself? I do not have the knowledge base nor the energy to even contemplate the vast amount of reasons that are stuck somewhere deep within my head. Somewhere up there in a file box that I am sure is all rusted up from non-use. Forgotten information that should have been thrown out years ago. Well, today is the day..the day I start to pry open that file cabinet, drawer by ever lovin' drawer.
In order to find peace and have a successful journey to my future it would make sense that you have to figure out the past and put it to rest. Right? I say, RIGHT?? Don't worry, I'll get it one day. Before I die would be good but ya never know.
If you happen to have stumbled on this blog by accident, don't fret it. Stay awhile, post a little but please, be kind. I haven't been taking to ugly lately. I don't blog to please anyone else, just myself. If I can share a bit of information that may help someone along the way then great. I would love that. Ultimately though I really am trying to just find my "weigh" in this body of mine. Change is so hard..to do and to accept. Other people do change without appearing to be affected in the least little way. I wake up and I'm in a sweat because I actually started a personal blog. Whatever.
Just a warning. Since this is my personal blog I reserve the right to say what I want when the mood strikes me. I will try not to be vulgar, vulgur, valgar..screw it...ugly in what I say or how I say it. People who know me though know that I'm pretty forward and honest about everything I do and say. Too honest for the most part. Okay, enough. Michael wants a bubble bath and who am I to turn tell him no. A clean 3 year old is right up my alley!
I have succeeded in so many ways in my life. I am a successful medial professional, successful mommy and wife, and gosh darn it I'm even a successful step-monster, I mean mother. Why then can I not stop this battle that I have been having with myself? I do not have the knowledge base nor the energy to even contemplate the vast amount of reasons that are stuck somewhere deep within my head. Somewhere up there in a file box that I am sure is all rusted up from non-use. Forgotten information that should have been thrown out years ago. Well, today is the day..the day I start to pry open that file cabinet, drawer by ever lovin' drawer.
In order to find peace and have a successful journey to my future it would make sense that you have to figure out the past and put it to rest. Right? I say, RIGHT?? Don't worry, I'll get it one day. Before I die would be good but ya never know.
If you happen to have stumbled on this blog by accident, don't fret it. Stay awhile, post a little but please, be kind. I haven't been taking to ugly lately. I don't blog to please anyone else, just myself. If I can share a bit of information that may help someone along the way then great. I would love that. Ultimately though I really am trying to just find my "weigh" in this body of mine. Change is so hard..to do and to accept. Other people do change without appearing to be affected in the least little way. I wake up and I'm in a sweat because I actually started a personal blog. Whatever.
Just a warning. Since this is my personal blog I reserve the right to say what I want when the mood strikes me. I will try not to be vulgar, vulgur, valgar..screw it...ugly in what I say or how I say it. People who know me though know that I'm pretty forward and honest about everything I do and say. Too honest for the most part. Okay, enough. Michael wants a bubble bath and who am I to turn tell him no. A clean 3 year old is right up my alley!
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