Well, the sleep study is completed. It wasn't bad at all in respect to pain or anything. My problem was that I was bored. And I couldn't fall asleep. I think I tossed and turned for over two hours getting more and more upset because I couldn't fall asleep. The tech was very nice though. He didn't yell at me or anything. He even had to unhook the wires so I could go to the bathroom. I kept kicking off the leads on my legs somehow and he would have to come in to fix them. He finally taped them on...thank goodness I shaved.
When he came in to get me up about 5:45am, I did not want to be pretty I can tell ya. I said "is it morning already"? He said yep, it's that time. So then I said "did I snore"? And he said "yep and thensome". I looked at him with a questioning look, like "aaaannndd that means what"? All he said was "I have a feeling that we will be seeing you back here before too long". NICE! I really never thought I would have to think about wearing CPAP. That sucks. Especially since I could very well have my surgery in the next 3 months and won't need it anymore. But whatever, I have committed to doing what I have to do in order to get a healthy life.
Don't laugh but I have been trying to do visual imagining. Don't know if that is spelled right. I picture myself get on a roller coaster with my son. I can't quite finish the picture because I really don't care for big roller coasters so I concentrate on the coaster seatbelt/bar actually fitting without the attendent having to lean on the dam thing until the bar clicks into place and my fat has wedged it's way up and down above and below the bar. Then I think about the theater when I don't have to have a seat in between my husband and I or a friend and I because my fat hangs over the arm of my chair. I haven't gone to the bedroom footage yet. I just can't do it.
My husband loves me for who I am. I know this. I believe this. But he will never ever understand that I don't love me for who I am, or better what I look like. He says I shouldn't worry about it because he loves me just the way I am....thanks honey but until I love me, that chapter has yet to be written. So hang in there if you can. Hopefully my feelings change real soon and I really start to like me. I can't imagine it. One of my friends that recently had by-pass bought some new clothes and I asked her if when she looked in the mirror could she really see and appreciate the difference in her body. She said, I don't know..I think so or something like that. I hope I do. Even when I had lost 50 pounds I can remember thinking that I didn't look any different. I knew my clothes were getting bigger but until now, looking back at pictures, I honestly didn't see a different girl in the mirror.
I'm so scared. Scared of having the surgery and failing, scared of having the surgery and succeeding, scared of not having surgery and of failing, and of course, not having the surgery and succeeding through a diet and exercise. Wow. I have admitted to being nervous and stuff but now it's out there. I'm scared to death. Is this the right thing to do? I think it is but how do you know for sure? Time will tell. Well, it's that time. Work in the morning so gotta go nite nite. I love nite nite time. Have a wonderful day tomorrow.
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