Inhale and .....

SCREAM!!!  There.  I feel slightly better.  Actually, I don't need to scream.  It's been a pretty tough week.  I haven't really been on here lately but tonight I got on and read your blogs and honestly I feel so much better.  Just when it seems that I am questioning if I should have surgery I read some of your posts and then I get recharged about it. 

I spoke to (Kelli) at my surgeon's office today and she is also helping to keep me on track.  I met her via the phone when I first talked about VSG.  We, I, felt like we had known each other for some time.  She is way younger than I am but that is okay.  I am learning a lot from her.  I am so glad she is in my life now.  Anyway, the only things left to do is attend the nutritional class and have my psyche eval.  Of course the chest xray and blood work and that sort of nuisance stuff but for the most part we are looking at surgery, if the particular date I need is available, on November 2.  Wow....missed a breath there. 

I have really been trying to imagine myself 20, 30, 50 and more pounds lighter and I just can't do it.  I hold up a shirt that is in a "normal" size and I just see me.....fat holding up a smaller shirt.  It will come, I know.  A friend of mine sent an email today and it fits me to the T.....I am ALWAYS hotter than heck at work and I carry my own personal fan no matter where I'm stationed.  It isn't hormonal and I just think it's because we are in a locked unit with no windows and the air is just stagnant or something.  Anyway, my face gets beat red and I have sweat running down my face in streams.  I even have a surgical hat that I wear because if my limp, fine balding hair starts looking wet it's all over.  It will look like I just got out of the pool with my clothes on.  Anyway, the email was a Maxine strip I think but it said "When things get hot they expand.  Soooo, I'm not fat, I'm hot".  I love it.  Have a good one all.

One Step Closer

I had my EGD today.  It went well.  Said I have some gastritis so should lay off the spicey stuff and AGHAST! Diet Coke.  I said that I would be giving that up soon enough.  I do not do well with procedures such as this.  I mean I do okay but then all I want to do is sleep like the whole day.  I know it isn't like anesthesia but dang it....I just keep dozing off!  So that is okay, I dozed and now I am up.  It's all good.

So I guess all I have to do yet is the Psych. Evaluation, normal blood work stuff and attend the dietary class.  Well, I think that is all I have to do yet.  My Dr. keeps thinking that I have to do the six months of assisted weight loss and I keep telling him that my insurance does not require it, YET, so I would imagine that we will be going on with the Nov. surgery date as planned.  SCAREY!  But exciting too. 

Have a good week all. 

Lovin' the cooler nights

Isn't it great that the heat wave is giving us all a break?  I am so glad.  The only bad part is that the pool water cooled off too and now I won't get in.  I have to have it at least 82 degrees which my husband says is like bath water but can't help it...I'm a baby.  One of these days we may be able to afford a pool heater....you know after the new roof, furnace, a/c, kitchen...and not necessarily in that order.  You understand. 

I have my EGD this Friday.  I am nervous because I am afraid that he will find something to prevent my surgery and on the other hand I am afraid he won't.  My husband and I have actually been talking very candidly about the surgery and what to expect afterward.  We have already started to get in things that I may need like decorative smaller plates with a few large ones to match.  I didn't want just a saucer size but the salad plate didn't appeal to me.  I'm not sure what I got but I got a few so I'm not out much.  Anyone have any other suggestions?  Should I plan on having whatever I am drinking in a cup beside me all the time or should I get small 6-8 oz cups so I can have that?  How about silverware?  Someone mentioned it was super easier to use baby utensils for the first several months....any truth?  Okay, I have to go to bed.  I'm exhausted and the boys won't care when they get up...lol.  Have a good Wednesday.

Thank goodness for cooler days!

I am so glad that it isn't beastly hot today.  Everyone wants to go out to the camper and I told them that I was not going to go if it was really super hot.  I really do not want to go in 100 + degree weather and all of us sit in a box, although a nice box, of a camper with the a/c on full blast.  Now it is almost 2pm and for the most part has been overcast and I napped all morning on the couch.  To go or not go.  Maybe they will go and leave mommy at home to finish homework and napping?  Yea, probably not.

I am very computer challenged but PenPen has responded to me and I thank her greatly.  Yes I would love to have your guideline book that you spoke about.  If you still can't get my email address let me know.  I have my EGD next Friday so then the only thing I will have left to do is the Nutritional class, and my Psych. eval.  Besides the last minute blood work.  Oh and my pap/mammo has to be updated but that was due anyway so no biggie.

My insurance does not require the 6 months worth of nutrition classes.  Not to say that won't change in the future but for now we are good to go on that score.  I have opted to continue with the Pychiatrist post surgery, if we get along that is, as another tool to help me.  I think I said it before if I can't fix the head part of it then what makes me think that everything else will be okay?  I know everyone has issues, but it is truly time to figure mine out and be done with them.  I not only want to put them in a box never to be played with again but in a box and burned. 

I had a dream last night that my niece was on her way to her mom's house to visit, which she really is, but she stopped by here first and her first words were, "Oh My Gosh!, You look wonderful!  How much have you lost"?  I have no idea why I dreamed that but I liked it.  Even though I am scared out of my ever lovin mind I am excited to get on with it. 

Should I get a before picture now?  Or wait til the day of surgery?  My blog photo grosses me out.  I didn't realize how awful I look....okay, not going down that road again.  I'm on my way to fixin' it. 

Have a great day everyone.

Confusion, confusion, confusion.

One minute I am convinced I want this surgery, and I do want this surgery, then I start reading different blogs and then I read more information.  I read in one of my folders from my surgeon that I could expect to lose 55% of the excess weight I have.  If that is one hundred pounds, isn't that only 55 pounds lost?  I don't mean to say ONLY but geez.  I know I am not on track now with any weight loss but I would expect that all the exercise and the removal of 85 % of your stomach and the diligence in watching what you eat would yield more than that. 

Can anyone shed some light onto this?  Maybe he meant that 55% would be without any extra hard work?  Thanks for reading.

Convinced!!

Well, I took the kids to K-mart today to get a few things and I noticed they had some pretty good sales going on.  Since we are going to Disney soon I thought I might see if they had any shirts that I could wear.  Clothes that fit and I felt comfortable.  So, they did indeed have clothes for me that I liked.  So I bought some and brought them to my sisters, as we were spending the night with her.  I tried them on, in her kitchen, and they fit.  All of them a 3XL!!!  I just cried.  One shirt was a 4X and it freakin fit!  I told my sister, "this is one reason I am having this surgery"!  How defeated I feel.  Oh yea, I bought underwear too...size 11 and I think they may fit too.

If any of you read this that has already had the sleeve surgery could you tell me if this surgery is the right tool for me to use?  I don't want to lose just 50 pounds.  I need to lose a lot more than that for my sanity and my health.  Someone suggested I have the by-pass instead.  I just do not like the idea of having anything re-routed and I do not like the idea of not being able to have an EGD later in life if I need it.  If anyone has the time please give me your honest advise.  Thanks.

Really?

Does anyone ever get to the point that they are mad, mad, mad and really do not have an answer as to why?  I have noticed it more lately and I honestly can't say why.  Today I am angry and it has been an okay day.  I wonder if my hormones are way off balance? 

Also, does anyone else have a problem getting their protein shakes in while at home?  I get them in fine at work. 

I think about this surgery like every single day, a lot of the day.  I want it to be tomorrow and then I don't want it at all.  Is this normal?  This roller coaster?  I know down deep that I want and need it so that is a done decision.  I am worried of course about everything too.  AAARRRGGHHH.  Any advise?  How about just go to bed and be done with this day?  Sounds good to me.

Conviction

Well, tonight while at work I was talking to a co-worker about having the VSG surgery.  The more I talked the more conviction and commitment I felt.  I honestly in a million years would never have said that I would be having surgery and here I am.  I am getting to the point now that I can't wait to have the surgery and start moving on in my new life. One with more health, less physical pain, and less emotional pain.  I can't really fathom not having to worry about my weight on a daily, hour to hour basis.  I would assume it will take me quite some time to get there.

My co-worker and friend, DB, and I were talking and comparing stories on finding something to wear.  She talked about what to wear to church, I talked about what to wear to my sons baseball game.  To think that I may not have to worry so much about clothes, again is so unreal to me.  First of all I HATE HATE HATE shopping for clothes for myself.  Now, is that because I'm hoggishly fat and they don't make that style or is it that I truly hate to shop?  I guess time will tell.

I was reading someone's blog and it said to go pick out a "skinny" outfit as a goal to work toward.  So I gave this some thought.  The most "skinny" that I can imagine at this point would be a smaller night shirt, so that would be a XXL instead of a XXXL or one of my husbands shirts, a 4XLT.  So yea, I'm thinkin I need some work in the goal setting area and the futuristic thinking.  Hell, any size of underwear under the size of 10-11 would be reason enough to start planning a celebratory party.

Well, I need to get off here and do what I do.

August 1st ALREADY?

Happy 1st of August I think.  It's already 96 degrees F and it is just 1230pm.  I have to work nights tonight so I don't care.  I'm going to bed but dang it all to heck and back.  Beautiful pool in the back yard and it's too hot to enjoy it.  Arrrhhhhgggg. 

Was at the grocery store and attempting to look at stuff that I will be able to eat after surgery.  I am out of my element right now.  No one has really told me what I can or can't have.  Just to increase the protein so that is what I am doing at this point. 

Any helpful hints will be appreciated.  I have a lot of research to do also.

Have a wonderful day blog world.

On My Mind

There is so much about me and my family that I know I could never fill everyone in so at times I will just be throwing crap out there.  Go with it...it's best that way.  I think that is why I like the idea of blogging.  I can put my thoughts down whenever and where ever I am. 

My husband and I have been foster parents since 2002.  Since then we have had several children pass through.  Not as many as some but the ones we have had we have dedicated our heart and souls to no matter if it was for 3 weeks or 3 years.  We have been strong advocates for our kids and I can't imagine any foster parents not being but believe me there are some out there that do not care for their foster kids!

Anyway, three years ago we were so blessed to have been asked to take a placement of an infant whose mom and dad were struggling with drugs and possible parenting issues.  We of course said yes....hello?  BABY?  OH HELL YES!!  Anyway, we had him for the first 10 months of his life.  He had tested positive for drugs at birth so we sort of expected some delays which is fine with us.  Life is life.  He had issues with eating his formulas, his tongue protruded all the time, and he had a heart murmur.  Actually he had two murmurs.  I won't bore you with the details.  Anyway, 10 months, we took great pride in making sure he made it to his cardiologists appointments, physical therapy appointments, and speech therapy.  Yep, they have all that crap for these babies.  We did exercises at home, or in the car or whatever was needed.

Mom got him back after 10 months.  She had been "clean" or so everyone assumed.  She and I kept in touch.  We always treated bio parents with the respect that is due to them for being the parents and I have always treated the parents as I would want to be treated.  So over the next couple of years we would go see him, bearing gifts of course, and she would want a break so she would call and we would run and bring him home for however long she would allow us.  A week to 6 weeks was the average.  Always, we bought new clothes or a new bike or gave him a car bed or whatever.  To us, he was/is one of ours.

We haven't been in touch in quite a while with her because she knows that we would love to be the ones to raise him and give him a stable loving family life that he deserves.  Well, we got the call a couple of weeks ago that he had been placed back into custody again so I went that very night to pick him up.  We love that baby so very much.  Well, not a baby, he is "free!" you know.  This whole thing just weighs so heavy on me.  She, bio mom, is actually getting another chance to "clean up" and get him back.  I understand that the system has to try but to what extent?  When is it his turn?  I guess I just need to get this off my chest.  I feel like I am going to explode!  I do not want this baby to go anywhere but right here and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it.  We love him while we have him but is that hurting him or helping him?  He feels safe, secure, fed and loved here then WE send him away to live from crack house to crack house.  Who is he going to eventually blame?  US!!!  He will eventually hate us for being the ones to let him down.  I just hope he knows how much we love him and want him to be a permenant part of this family.  We already feel that is is.

So even though I know I can't fix any of this I just need it to be said that we love you baby M. and we never ever want you to leave our home again.  God will protect you somehow...we just hope it is here with us.  If you are reading this please forgive me for using my blog about weight loss and my journey for health to vent about this child.