Already?

Well, here we are and I can't believe that it has only been just shy of 6 weeks and all the changes that are taking place not only in me but around me.  I don't think that if you haven't had this surgery then there is no way you would get it, at all.

There is the fact that yes I am losing weight, numbers, and my legs feel incredible!  All my life my eyes and my legs have been my treasured attributes.  Then when I was diagnosed with hypertension my legs started retaining fluid and that shot the legs.  Well, now, I am actually getting my definition back and I could have sworn that I noticed a knee cap the other day!  I couldn't believe it!!  I also notice that I can do a 12 hour shift and not be crying in agony walking to my car at the end of the day. 

I know I am losing like I said but in my head it still says FAT!!  I haven't tried to go smaller on my clothes even though several people have said that I should.  I think that it is a comfort thing, a safety thing.  So I keep wearing the same three disney shirts and one work shirt and the same two pair of jeans that fit me before surgery.  I absolutely hate to shop anyway, so the thought of having to do that makes me ill.  Plus the fact that I hate spending money on clothes.  All I need are new jammies and my scrubs for work are provided for me at work.  There, new wardrobe.

The sick feeling that I had been experiencing is slowly ebbing away every time I eat.  I know that I am waiting too long in between meals because then I get a sick sick feeling in my abdomin and then I start to eat like a zombie.  I also started really watching and noticing how I feel with certain foods.  I have cut back on heavy foods like a lot of meat and am increasing the veges and fruits.  I still attack popsicles and italian ices but for now that is what suits me.  I have not been able to get back into my protein drink like before surgery but I have been able to manage a couple shakes in the last week or so, so maybe it will all come full circle.  I hope so because I had noticed that my hair was thickening up and now not so much.

I have also found that in order to get my fluids in, not quite 64 oz. but close, is to drink the diet Nestea Iced Tea but it HAS TO BE IN THE BOTTLE.  I know, weird but I can't help it.  So I am drinking that and water and I am not as dehydrated as I was for sure.  PenPen, you were right....it is getting better and for now I do not have buyers remorse.  Thanks for your words of encouragement.  They do help tremendously!

Til next time which will be after Christmas I am sure have a wonderful holiday/Christmas.

I had a secret...

I stopped my friend at work the other night and I asked her if I could trust her to keep a secret for me.  She of course said yes, which I already knew. 

Before I told her my secret I asked her a lot of questions about how long she felt that she would never feel that eating was normal again, and to even drink water was such a big ordeal...well, she assured me that it took a while for everything to come together for her and for her pouch to be able to handle bigger or more frequent bites. 

I then told her that my secret was that if I have to live like this the rest of my life then I am so very sorry I had the surgery.  I don't mean that I am upset that I can't eat as much and I have to watch.  No, it is the fact that I can't take any bigger of a bite than a baby spoon and I can't take more than 10-12cc of fluid at any one time.  That is just not natural for me.  What will I do in the summer when I have been outside and I am dying of thirst?  Take a sip??????  Bullshit....I am a guzzler and I am a scarfer of food. 

I know this is the hardest thing I will have to conquer in this journey.  Please share your successes with me...does it get better?  Will I always and forever have to sip and have to wait 3 minutes in between unless I want my heart to feel like it is exploding? 

I am happy that I am losing weight...my legs feel so much better already.  I am not sorry that I can't over indulge.  I am sad that I have to take so long to eat or drink.  I will overcome this, I know I will, but it has just been very hard for me.

Thanks for reading.

18 days out

I really don't even remember what my last post was or when.  The last 18 days have been weird for me.  I don't really know how I feel really about any of it.  I will try to explain, to no one but myself really, but feel free to enter into my brain for a moment.

Since surgery I have felt super good....physically.  I don't know if it is because I knew I had to go back to work in just a little over a week or what but I just pushed myself to get up every morning and walk around the pool.  I started with one lap then increased it every time I did it.  I did laps that way for the first 4-5 days.  Thank goodness the pool is in the back yard and it is hidden by the fence.  That way I didn't care what I looked like.  Jammies and all...off I went.  It didn't help, or maybe it did, that my husband only had one day off with me once I returned from the hospital.  He went back to work and I had the kids.  Now to be fair, I could have taken Michael to the sitters but I just couldn't see the benefit of it.  Why pay the sitter when I'm here.  I think I did take him one day when I just didn't have it in me to chase after him.

Food wise, or liquid wise I should say, has been the biggest obstacle for me.  I know I am getting dehydrated but I just couldn't do one more liquid thing.  On days 11,12, and 13 I pretty much quit drinking....period.  NOTHING looked, smelled, sounded or tasted good.  AT ALL!!!!  I don't think it helped with me having the topical reactions that I was having to the glue or sutures or bandages or whatever.  My PCP had put me on antibiotics and one of them got stuck and it really never felt like it cleared so I really think that was a lot of my problems.  When I saw my surgeon on day 13, he said to stop the antibiotics and I did, gladly.  After that I was able to start on the soft foods.  Can I just tell you that the world all of a sudden lost the grayness surrounding it?  All of a sudden, life had purpose again. 

Let me just say that through all of that liquid business I had to go back to work.  So of course those that knew that I had the surgery wanted to know all the particulars, and those that didn't know quickly found out and then wanted to know all the particulars.  So it was very interesting to say the least.  I hadn't even told my families...well my sister, mother in law and one sister in law knew of the family.  Why?????  I don't know.  I think I have seen so much judgement and smart ass comments surrounding any type of weight loss surgery that I just didn't want to hear it.  Truly I don't think I would have met with any negativity from the families but for some reason, in my cobwebby head, this was something I was doing for me and only me and I didn't really care what anyone else thought.  I know that sounds so very ugly and I don't mean it to but I have had to wake up daily for over half my life and immediately think rotten terrible thoughts about myself that I just didn't want to have to defend my actions or my reasonings.  So I didn't tell many people.

Anyway, I lost my train of thought.  Since starting the soft foods I have been eating more and drinking more although it has been mostly water because there still isn't anything that sounds good to me.  I haven't even been able to get my protein shake in but I still try.  I'm sure it will get fixed within my head but just not right now.  I have added things like eggs, mashed potatos, tuna and small bits of canned fruits in water.  I am so much happier.  My only problem right now is remembering to slow down and chew, chew, chew!  I really am a fast eater at heart and it is very hard to break that cycle.  That chest freeze that you experience in the middle of your chest when you swallow to much too fast is enough to send me into orbit so I have to constantly remind myself....SLOW DOWN you idiot!!!!!

I have not, to date, puked anything back up.  I don't plan on it either.  I just refuse to eat that much that it happens.  So if nothing else I am more on that cautious side of things and I don't care....entry only here folks. 

Also, I HATE, DETEST, CAN'T STOMACH fish.  However, I have gotten on the old computer and looked up some recipes and my husband and I went to the store last night and actually picked up some Cod.  I am not happy about it, but I need the protein.  My first recipe is of course beer battered but my plan is to take the breading off before eating it.  I did buy tarter sauce as a cover up just in case.  My husband is thrilled as he and his whole family are avid fish eaters and he is excited to think that fish may be introduced into our lives. 

I know I have been rambling on and on but it's all been stuck here in my head.  I took a mental health day off of work today, yes without pay, but I need it.  I have been going non-stop since September and I just needed it.

I don't know how to put up the little graph thing that a lot of you do to show the measurements and weight losses but since my journey began I am down 29.6 pounds and since surgery I am down 16.2 pounds.  I don't even want to compare to any of you because I think I am behind the eight ball but already my knees feel so much better and working a twelve hour shift is already so much easier.

Thanks for reading.  Have a wonderful day all.

Not sure.

Well, today is the mark of week one of my sleeve surgery.  I feel great even though I have had to do way more than I should have after having surgery.  Not because of my physicians but because my family having so many demands.  Like I started driving 4 days post-op, I have had to watch and discipline the 3 year old sooooooooo much more since mommy has been down which means getting ahold of him etc.  I didn't actually lift him but whatever.

The horrible reaction to whatever I'm having the horrible reaction to is still here.  Got in to see my PCP and they are all very infected.  She called it something but I don't care what it is just fix it.  So I am now on two antibiotics and a topical cream.  Doesn't hurt but itches like crazy.

I am about to go crazy because I want to CHEW, CHEW, CHEW!!!!!!!  I know in just a week I can go to soft foods but it is killing me that I can't have anything solid.  Crazy!!!  Any ideas?  I have been doing the protein drinks, soups, jellos, yogurts, crystal light drinks.  How am I going to get through until Tuesday??????

Okay, I have more to say but I have to get all the errands done before the 6 year old needs picked up at school.  Til later.....

Well, I'm alive

and I'm doing okay.  I'm sore as anything and I do believe that I am having a terrible allergic reaction to the bandaides or something so I am sure that will require a call to the Dr. this weekend.  I can't really sleep even with pain medicine.  I think that my mind is just whirling and I can't shut it down.  I will though.  We have had such tremendous craziness around here for months it seems.  Maybe now we can start to settle in.

I know I am not getting in what I'm supposed to get in but I am trying.  I just forget to drink.  I did get part of a protein shake in this morning, then some water, then part of a crystal light flavored water that I have been sipping on all day.  I did the stupidest thing, well among others, but my six year old needed a coat.  Now, my husband is perfectly capable of buying a coat for a six year old but nnnooooooo.  I had to go too.  So off WE go.  Me, hubby, our 19 year old mentally challenged son, our 6 year old, a three year old foster child that we hope to adopt very very soon, and our newly acquired 17 year old female AND her two month old premature baby that I actually got to take care of after his birth. 

Did I say craziness around here?  Okay, so while we are there, I have them get me a wheelchair, we had the stroller with the baby in it, and a buggy with stuff and the three year old.  Off we go to get a coat....a lousy gosh blessed coat.  What a fiasco.  Well, we finally got the coat, a few outfits for the baby, winter shirts for the 3 year old and to show my foster girl how proud I was of her for making good choices this past week and following several certain rules I wanted to treat her to getting her nails done.  Any other time IN THE WORLD, my husband would say I'm out of here I will meet you down at the play area.  OH NO...he stayed so far up our rear ends that I couldn't have farted if I had to, which I would love to do by the way.  The long and short of it, we went to the chinese restaurant, smart?????, and the owner felt sorry cuz she "coood tell I nawsius" so she gave me a small bowl of wonton broth, no charge.  Well, I'm thinking, hell, what can I have at this time in the game at a freakin chinese restaurant?????  So I ate half the bowl of wonton broth.  I didn't get sick, I'm happy.  We left, got the girl with the nails, and got out of there.

Had to drop the 19 year old off at his apartment, went through Long Johns for her cuz she missed supper.....why did she want that?  Of all times, tonight she has to have that.  OOOHHHHH....I forgot the most wonderfully, pitiful, funny, embarrassing things.  We are standing by the door waiting on him to get the van and it hits me like a ton of bricks....I am going to pass gas and I can not stop it.  So I did the best I could under the circumstances, said "Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, Iam so embarrassed, and I let it rip!!!!  It was the best part of the whole trip I have to tell ya. 

So after we got home last night from the hospital, I wanted a bologna and cheese sandwich with potato chips and miracle whip...IN THE WORST WAY.  Does that mean I am a failure or does that mean that I just felt hungry, and it is something that I like to eat?  I don't know.  Today, that desire has not gone away but it's okay.  Drink, drink, drink. 

I guess that is all I have for today.  I hear the pain medicine calling me and lesson learned and if you haven't had this surgery yet, do not go to the mall the day after coming home from the hospital.  Dumb idea.  Have a wonderful night all.

Well, it's done... I'm doing okay. He said he did a tight sleeve. Not sure what that means but at this point I don't care. Home tonight.

Oh My Gosh....it really can't be...

Is it really November 5th?  I will have surgery in just 4 more days?  I'm not ready!  Oh yes I am!  Seriously, I don't have the right foods in the house, I didn't pay the bills yet.  I have to get someone to help me clean out that one room.  And and and and and. 

I am serious.  My head is about to burst with all these thoughts.  Like there are all these teardrop blurbs crowding the old cranium.  I know it will be fine.  It is just getting there.  I have been so patient waiting for this and now....I need more time to get prepared.  I just don't have everything done that I wanted to get done.

Okay, just breathe.  Its okay.  I feel better.  Until later.

Just checking to see if I set this mobile thing right.  If I did I will be whining on here sooner than I thought

The Time Is Near....

Well, one week from tomorrow will be the day.  The day my new life starts?  The day my new journey starts?  I don't really know what THAT day means to me yet.  I have so many emotions running through my head that I can't hardly think straight.

For starters, I am scared to death.  I had to actually put it into words recently to a friend that asked what I was afraid of.  I just spit out that I was afraid of failing.  Failing what?  Of failing the sleeve, of failing the surgeon/team, of failing me.  I have started this so called journey so many different times in the past I am truly scared of failing one more time.  I know a lot of people are telling me they are here for me and I believe them.  I just have to believe myself though.  And I believe I will, just not today.

Next, I am so dammed excited I can't stand it.  The possibilities are so endless that it makes my head spin.  I read other peoples blogs and I get so excited as I read their successes and then I get sad when they talk about their backslides.  I then come back to number one...I'm excited about the endless possibilities but of course they couldn't happen to me. 

I have my last set of tests tomorrow.  I'm so very glad about that.  I wish it was next week already so that I can just get over the initial week and move on but this week will probably drag.  I have to work Thursday/Friday and Sunday and Monday so that will help.  I have told my husband that after the surgeon tells him how the surgery went I want him to leave.  He will have worked all night the night before so he will be tired and honestly I do't feel that I don't need him hanging around watching me attempt to drink my fluids and get up and walk.  He said he would be back the next day and I told him no.  We live probably an hour and 15 minutes away and there really is no reason he needs to bring the kids up then just come back the next day to get me.  I hope I don't regret this decision but I just know me...I think I will be better off by myself post surgery.

Okay, I think that is it for today.  I can't figure out how to blog from my phone so I probably won't be able to from the hospital.  Not that I would want to anyway.  Oh well, soon enough I will be blogging about how ......I'm not sure what I will be blogging but I will blog anyway. 

I'm Not Counting the Days....YET!!

Today, I finally got to attend the Nutritional class that my Physician offers and requires.  Man oh man I wish I had been able to attend this a long time ago.  It cleared up so many questions I have been having but didn't know that I should be asking them.  I guess that sounds wierd but I didn't think about it.  I figured that at some point the answers would appear....and they did. 

My surgery is scheduled for November 9th.  Wow.  It is coming up so fast and just a couple weeks ago I'm thinking that I will never have surgery.  There are a couple of things that scare me terribly.  One, is puking.  I don't want to EVER puke.  So, the next fear, dehydration because I will be afraid to drink too much for fear of puking.  I have so many thoughts running around my head....it's hard to even post today.  I will sum it up by admitting that I am getting worried and a little bit apprehensive.  I know it will be okay, it's just getting there.

Okay, I'm off to work.  Have a good one everyone.

HOT and still heavy in Florida!!

My husband and I brought two of the kids to Florida to do the Disney thing.  Tonight is our last night and I am washing clothes and packing.  You have to be so very creative to get all the "legal" stuff in the right bag or you have to give it up at the check in.  I was getting flustered over the toy giraffe being just a toy or a potential weapon so I decided to get on here for a minute before I pack up the laptop.

It has been so terribly hot here!  I'm not kidding, in every last photo that escaped my halting, my hair looks like I haven't washed it in weeks, and it looks as though I have just gotten off a water ride.  I took to using one of the resorts hand towels and wetting it constantly during the day to use as a sweat wiper!  A few weeks ago we had that terrible heat wave...remember?  Well, that was nothing to this.  I swear, I told my husband, "if I didn't lose at least 10 pounds I will just have a stroke right there on the scale".  Well, needless to say I don't have a scale so I won't be able to tell but honestly I do not think I lost a pound.  On the contrary I have been so dehydrated that I have probably gained some weight.  Back home I am being informed that the weather is cold at a little below 50 degrees and rainy.  I say bring it on...at least for a day or two.  Everyone back home has been putting the heat on already and we haven't even closed our pool yet?  Really?  What the hell?

We, of course, went souvenier shopping and I bought one shirt that has Mickey and the gang on it.  Now, for a little background, I have been wearing the same three Mickey shirts that I bought in 2001.  They are threadbare and have holes in them but I feel the best when I have them on.  I feel that they cover the fat best.  I am sure this is a figment of my imagination and I'm okay with that.  Anyway, I tried the shirt on tonight, 3X, and it fit as I suspected.  My loving husband says to me being sincere, "you should have bought several more so that you can throw those old things out".  I said back to him...."I certainly hope to be wearing totally different clothes by next summer so that I why I only bought one".  He said, oh yea....You are going to be rocking next summer.  Wasn't that nice of him?  I totally disagree with him because I can't picture anything more than what is at this moment but God bless him.

Okay, I think I have rested enough.  I can take on the giraffe toy now.  Have a good one all.

Well, here we are.  Off the steroids, and quickly putting back on the 8 pounds that I lost.  I don't think I have lost any since my initial weight at the Dr.'s office.  I see him the middle of October...I am going to feel just aweful if I haven't even lost my 10 pounds that he requires according to my BMI.  We leave for Disneyworld this Thursday so my hope is that I am good with my choices and all the walking and such will pay off.

I am so looking forward to a relaxing time even though we are going to be at Disney.  I need it.  I crave it.  I demand it.  We will see.  I have downloaded four books to my Kindle in anticipation of relaxing pool side.  I hope I hvaen't jinxed myself. 

I am taking my laptop with me so will try to blog while I am there.  Have a good week everyone. 

Judy

Well,

Thanks so very much to PenPen for responding to me and putting some of my fears to rest.  You are absolutely right when you say that I can't imagine what after surgery will be like because I can't.  I try, but I can't.  It is almost like this decision has just taken over my life.  In a good way.  I really truly felt that I would go absolutely crazy after surgery if there was something I want and can't have.  Okay, I'm talking pizza here.  That food is probably my all time favorite food....and I am so worried that I can't have it.  But having reading some other blogs I know that with the proper preparing, I can. 

We had to laugh today because I shared with my husband that I chose November ninth for my surgery but how stupid that was.  He asked me why and I said that I was off this year for Thanksgiving and I would probably still be on pureed foods....well he didn't miss a beat.  He made the sound of the blender and said, don't worry, we will fix ya up.  What is weird is I probably couldn't have picked a better day for the surgery.  I won't be tempted to over indulge and make myself sick with all the helpings.  So, yes, I think I made a good choice after all.

All in all, today is a good day.  Of course the night is not over.  Will keep plugging away, posting my fears and hoping you don't get sick of me.  Thanks for all the support.

Roller Coaster of Emotions!

Okay, folks, I just can't seem to get off this roller coaster.  I want the surgery, I don't, I do, I don't, I am, I'm not.  I know I am going to have it.  I guess I am afraid.  I have had some health issues this past week non-weight related, and it has really made me realize that I can't wait for the surgery.  But then......

My husband had to work night shifts at the same time this past holiday weekend which meant that the kids had to be at the sitters for over 48 hours straight.  We both hate that when it happens so as soon as we got up today we went and got them.  The weather has blissfully changed to a cool, almost chilly, non-humid days and so we decided to take them out to eat.  We got to the restaurant.  I hate buffets as I know that I always over indulge.  But today I got the buffet.  I can't say that I was totally out of control but what I did do was immediately eat, mashed potatos with gravy, corn, and mac/cheese.  CARBS anyone?  Then I had a slim jim sandwich. 

As I was sitting there I thought to myself....what am I doing and how will I ever make myself understand that I can't do this anymore?  After the sleeve obviously I won't be eating out any time soon but even after the healing....how do you eat at a restaurant?  Do you just take a spoonful of a couple of items?  Eat off my husbands plate?  Order a kids meal?  I know these are things I will learn but I want all the answers today, right now.  I want the surgery right this minute.  I don't want to live in this overbearing vessile anymore. 

Okay, I am trying to not be depressing....not working?  I know.  It is coming.  I am tentatively scheduled for second week of November.  Time is just standing still right now.  Then I had no idea what a "bougie" was/is.  I was on a website and now I understand that it is the thing they cut around....like a 32 is the size of a straw?  Are we serious?  Can food actually fit down that straw?  I don't ever want to puke.....my worst fear of this whole entire thing.  Will I absolutely know without a doubt when to stop so that I don't puke? 

Please forgive me for being such a whiney, needy brat right now.  I promise, after my surgery I will pamper and respond to another whiner but for now I just need lots of help.  If you have the time...thanks.

Have a great day folks.  Oh on a good note.  Due to my recent illness, I am on a medrol pack, steroids.  Not only does it increase my whining, but also the "roid rage" but it enhances weight loss for me.  Don't ask me cuz I do not know why.  It normally puts people over the edge with eating.  But anyway, I have lost 8 pounds since being on it.  What a good thing. 

I Love....

I took a nasty fall off my bicycle last week, and no I was not in motion at the time.  Anyways, it took about 4 days to actually catch up to my brain and then I got the pain, and more pain, and moving pain.  To make this verrry long story short, one trip to the ER with a possible leaking spleen, negative, to the Dr. the next day, negative for broken ribs, I finally ended up with pain medicine prescriptions and a script for 12 days of SoluMedrol.  Never mind the pain meds...give me Medrol.  First of all it makes my joints feel so much better for a while and it works totally opposite for me than it does for most people....I LOSE WEIGHT ON IT!!!  I have already lost about 7 pounds and honestly it does feel good.  Now I know it will be short lived but for a few short days I feel so much better.

A few people have been attempting to get me to not have surgery.  A few of these people like me fat because they too are fat and unhappy.  Some of these people need surgery also but they will be, and are, the first ones to look me in the face and say, Oh Judy, You have REALLY put on the weight!  I noticed it.  Are you kidding me?  I do not think I would say that to anyone's face if it were true unless they asked me seriously!  It hurt my feelings so bad.  She will never know that but it did.  This is the type of person who would walk laps with us and have to sit and wanted us to sit with her to keep her company.  Well, having just met her I did but more times than not she sat and talked so long that it was time to leave.  We found ourselves getting there early to get our workout in. 

A few people that I have tried to help in the past by inviting them to weight watchers and offering to help them have all of a sudden made a decision to join and they are really going to do it....did I want to join again with them.  Thanks but no....I know that program works.  I should be a spokesperson for them.  I believe in them.  But like gastric surgery, it is me that has to put the work in.  They offer me the program, my Dr. offered me gastric sleeve.  Weight Watchers offers the tools, so does my Dr.  WW offers support meetings, my Dr. and his ENTIRE staff, love you Kelli, are pretty much at my beck and call.  So, the program is different but the end result is my choice.....I have to do the work, I have to motivate myself. 

So am I far off base?  I do not think so.  I am scared that I will not succeed.  I am afraid that I won't know how to do it...or I won't want to take the time to learn how to cook for myself and my family.  I have all these fears....just like I did on weight watchers.  I would love to hear from some of you out there that have already had the sleeve done and how much weight you lost from beginning to present.  Is it possible to lose almost a hundred pounds with the sleeve as long as you do the work? 

Thanks for reading.  Enjoy this unbelievable hot, humid 100 degree day...well in Ohio anyway.

Inhale and .....

SCREAM!!!  There.  I feel slightly better.  Actually, I don't need to scream.  It's been a pretty tough week.  I haven't really been on here lately but tonight I got on and read your blogs and honestly I feel so much better.  Just when it seems that I am questioning if I should have surgery I read some of your posts and then I get recharged about it. 

I spoke to (Kelli) at my surgeon's office today and she is also helping to keep me on track.  I met her via the phone when I first talked about VSG.  We, I, felt like we had known each other for some time.  She is way younger than I am but that is okay.  I am learning a lot from her.  I am so glad she is in my life now.  Anyway, the only things left to do is attend the nutritional class and have my psyche eval.  Of course the chest xray and blood work and that sort of nuisance stuff but for the most part we are looking at surgery, if the particular date I need is available, on November 2.  Wow....missed a breath there. 

I have really been trying to imagine myself 20, 30, 50 and more pounds lighter and I just can't do it.  I hold up a shirt that is in a "normal" size and I just see me.....fat holding up a smaller shirt.  It will come, I know.  A friend of mine sent an email today and it fits me to the T.....I am ALWAYS hotter than heck at work and I carry my own personal fan no matter where I'm stationed.  It isn't hormonal and I just think it's because we are in a locked unit with no windows and the air is just stagnant or something.  Anyway, my face gets beat red and I have sweat running down my face in streams.  I even have a surgical hat that I wear because if my limp, fine balding hair starts looking wet it's all over.  It will look like I just got out of the pool with my clothes on.  Anyway, the email was a Maxine strip I think but it said "When things get hot they expand.  Soooo, I'm not fat, I'm hot".  I love it.  Have a good one all.

One Step Closer

I had my EGD today.  It went well.  Said I have some gastritis so should lay off the spicey stuff and AGHAST! Diet Coke.  I said that I would be giving that up soon enough.  I do not do well with procedures such as this.  I mean I do okay but then all I want to do is sleep like the whole day.  I know it isn't like anesthesia but dang it....I just keep dozing off!  So that is okay, I dozed and now I am up.  It's all good.

So I guess all I have to do yet is the Psych. Evaluation, normal blood work stuff and attend the dietary class.  Well, I think that is all I have to do yet.  My Dr. keeps thinking that I have to do the six months of assisted weight loss and I keep telling him that my insurance does not require it, YET, so I would imagine that we will be going on with the Nov. surgery date as planned.  SCAREY!  But exciting too. 

Have a good week all. 

Lovin' the cooler nights

Isn't it great that the heat wave is giving us all a break?  I am so glad.  The only bad part is that the pool water cooled off too and now I won't get in.  I have to have it at least 82 degrees which my husband says is like bath water but can't help it...I'm a baby.  One of these days we may be able to afford a pool heater....you know after the new roof, furnace, a/c, kitchen...and not necessarily in that order.  You understand. 

I have my EGD this Friday.  I am nervous because I am afraid that he will find something to prevent my surgery and on the other hand I am afraid he won't.  My husband and I have actually been talking very candidly about the surgery and what to expect afterward.  We have already started to get in things that I may need like decorative smaller plates with a few large ones to match.  I didn't want just a saucer size but the salad plate didn't appeal to me.  I'm not sure what I got but I got a few so I'm not out much.  Anyone have any other suggestions?  Should I plan on having whatever I am drinking in a cup beside me all the time or should I get small 6-8 oz cups so I can have that?  How about silverware?  Someone mentioned it was super easier to use baby utensils for the first several months....any truth?  Okay, I have to go to bed.  I'm exhausted and the boys won't care when they get up...lol.  Have a good Wednesday.

Thank goodness for cooler days!

I am so glad that it isn't beastly hot today.  Everyone wants to go out to the camper and I told them that I was not going to go if it was really super hot.  I really do not want to go in 100 + degree weather and all of us sit in a box, although a nice box, of a camper with the a/c on full blast.  Now it is almost 2pm and for the most part has been overcast and I napped all morning on the couch.  To go or not go.  Maybe they will go and leave mommy at home to finish homework and napping?  Yea, probably not.

I am very computer challenged but PenPen has responded to me and I thank her greatly.  Yes I would love to have your guideline book that you spoke about.  If you still can't get my email address let me know.  I have my EGD next Friday so then the only thing I will have left to do is the Nutritional class, and my Psych. eval.  Besides the last minute blood work.  Oh and my pap/mammo has to be updated but that was due anyway so no biggie.

My insurance does not require the 6 months worth of nutrition classes.  Not to say that won't change in the future but for now we are good to go on that score.  I have opted to continue with the Pychiatrist post surgery, if we get along that is, as another tool to help me.  I think I said it before if I can't fix the head part of it then what makes me think that everything else will be okay?  I know everyone has issues, but it is truly time to figure mine out and be done with them.  I not only want to put them in a box never to be played with again but in a box and burned. 

I had a dream last night that my niece was on her way to her mom's house to visit, which she really is, but she stopped by here first and her first words were, "Oh My Gosh!, You look wonderful!  How much have you lost"?  I have no idea why I dreamed that but I liked it.  Even though I am scared out of my ever lovin mind I am excited to get on with it. 

Should I get a before picture now?  Or wait til the day of surgery?  My blog photo grosses me out.  I didn't realize how awful I look....okay, not going down that road again.  I'm on my way to fixin' it. 

Have a great day everyone.

Confusion, confusion, confusion.

One minute I am convinced I want this surgery, and I do want this surgery, then I start reading different blogs and then I read more information.  I read in one of my folders from my surgeon that I could expect to lose 55% of the excess weight I have.  If that is one hundred pounds, isn't that only 55 pounds lost?  I don't mean to say ONLY but geez.  I know I am not on track now with any weight loss but I would expect that all the exercise and the removal of 85 % of your stomach and the diligence in watching what you eat would yield more than that. 

Can anyone shed some light onto this?  Maybe he meant that 55% would be without any extra hard work?  Thanks for reading.

Convinced!!

Well, I took the kids to K-mart today to get a few things and I noticed they had some pretty good sales going on.  Since we are going to Disney soon I thought I might see if they had any shirts that I could wear.  Clothes that fit and I felt comfortable.  So, they did indeed have clothes for me that I liked.  So I bought some and brought them to my sisters, as we were spending the night with her.  I tried them on, in her kitchen, and they fit.  All of them a 3XL!!!  I just cried.  One shirt was a 4X and it freakin fit!  I told my sister, "this is one reason I am having this surgery"!  How defeated I feel.  Oh yea, I bought underwear too...size 11 and I think they may fit too.

If any of you read this that has already had the sleeve surgery could you tell me if this surgery is the right tool for me to use?  I don't want to lose just 50 pounds.  I need to lose a lot more than that for my sanity and my health.  Someone suggested I have the by-pass instead.  I just do not like the idea of having anything re-routed and I do not like the idea of not being able to have an EGD later in life if I need it.  If anyone has the time please give me your honest advise.  Thanks.

Really?

Does anyone ever get to the point that they are mad, mad, mad and really do not have an answer as to why?  I have noticed it more lately and I honestly can't say why.  Today I am angry and it has been an okay day.  I wonder if my hormones are way off balance? 

Also, does anyone else have a problem getting their protein shakes in while at home?  I get them in fine at work. 

I think about this surgery like every single day, a lot of the day.  I want it to be tomorrow and then I don't want it at all.  Is this normal?  This roller coaster?  I know down deep that I want and need it so that is a done decision.  I am worried of course about everything too.  AAARRRGGHHH.  Any advise?  How about just go to bed and be done with this day?  Sounds good to me.

Conviction

Well, tonight while at work I was talking to a co-worker about having the VSG surgery.  The more I talked the more conviction and commitment I felt.  I honestly in a million years would never have said that I would be having surgery and here I am.  I am getting to the point now that I can't wait to have the surgery and start moving on in my new life. One with more health, less physical pain, and less emotional pain.  I can't really fathom not having to worry about my weight on a daily, hour to hour basis.  I would assume it will take me quite some time to get there.

My co-worker and friend, DB, and I were talking and comparing stories on finding something to wear.  She talked about what to wear to church, I talked about what to wear to my sons baseball game.  To think that I may not have to worry so much about clothes, again is so unreal to me.  First of all I HATE HATE HATE shopping for clothes for myself.  Now, is that because I'm hoggishly fat and they don't make that style or is it that I truly hate to shop?  I guess time will tell.

I was reading someone's blog and it said to go pick out a "skinny" outfit as a goal to work toward.  So I gave this some thought.  The most "skinny" that I can imagine at this point would be a smaller night shirt, so that would be a XXL instead of a XXXL or one of my husbands shirts, a 4XLT.  So yea, I'm thinkin I need some work in the goal setting area and the futuristic thinking.  Hell, any size of underwear under the size of 10-11 would be reason enough to start planning a celebratory party.

Well, I need to get off here and do what I do.

August 1st ALREADY?

Happy 1st of August I think.  It's already 96 degrees F and it is just 1230pm.  I have to work nights tonight so I don't care.  I'm going to bed but dang it all to heck and back.  Beautiful pool in the back yard and it's too hot to enjoy it.  Arrrhhhhgggg. 

Was at the grocery store and attempting to look at stuff that I will be able to eat after surgery.  I am out of my element right now.  No one has really told me what I can or can't have.  Just to increase the protein so that is what I am doing at this point. 

Any helpful hints will be appreciated.  I have a lot of research to do also.

Have a wonderful day blog world.

On My Mind

There is so much about me and my family that I know I could never fill everyone in so at times I will just be throwing crap out there.  Go with it...it's best that way.  I think that is why I like the idea of blogging.  I can put my thoughts down whenever and where ever I am. 

My husband and I have been foster parents since 2002.  Since then we have had several children pass through.  Not as many as some but the ones we have had we have dedicated our heart and souls to no matter if it was for 3 weeks or 3 years.  We have been strong advocates for our kids and I can't imagine any foster parents not being but believe me there are some out there that do not care for their foster kids!

Anyway, three years ago we were so blessed to have been asked to take a placement of an infant whose mom and dad were struggling with drugs and possible parenting issues.  We of course said yes....hello?  BABY?  OH HELL YES!!  Anyway, we had him for the first 10 months of his life.  He had tested positive for drugs at birth so we sort of expected some delays which is fine with us.  Life is life.  He had issues with eating his formulas, his tongue protruded all the time, and he had a heart murmur.  Actually he had two murmurs.  I won't bore you with the details.  Anyway, 10 months, we took great pride in making sure he made it to his cardiologists appointments, physical therapy appointments, and speech therapy.  Yep, they have all that crap for these babies.  We did exercises at home, or in the car or whatever was needed.

Mom got him back after 10 months.  She had been "clean" or so everyone assumed.  She and I kept in touch.  We always treated bio parents with the respect that is due to them for being the parents and I have always treated the parents as I would want to be treated.  So over the next couple of years we would go see him, bearing gifts of course, and she would want a break so she would call and we would run and bring him home for however long she would allow us.  A week to 6 weeks was the average.  Always, we bought new clothes or a new bike or gave him a car bed or whatever.  To us, he was/is one of ours.

We haven't been in touch in quite a while with her because she knows that we would love to be the ones to raise him and give him a stable loving family life that he deserves.  Well, we got the call a couple of weeks ago that he had been placed back into custody again so I went that very night to pick him up.  We love that baby so very much.  Well, not a baby, he is "free!" you know.  This whole thing just weighs so heavy on me.  She, bio mom, is actually getting another chance to "clean up" and get him back.  I understand that the system has to try but to what extent?  When is it his turn?  I guess I just need to get this off my chest.  I feel like I am going to explode!  I do not want this baby to go anywhere but right here and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it.  We love him while we have him but is that hurting him or helping him?  He feels safe, secure, fed and loved here then WE send him away to live from crack house to crack house.  Who is he going to eventually blame?  US!!!  He will eventually hate us for being the ones to let him down.  I just hope he knows how much we love him and want him to be a permenant part of this family.  We already feel that is is.

So even though I know I can't fix any of this I just need it to be said that we love you baby M. and we never ever want you to leave our home again.  God will protect you somehow...we just hope it is here with us.  If you are reading this please forgive me for using my blog about weight loss and my journey for health to vent about this child.

Good-bye July 2011

Today is the last day that I will have to spend a July as a FAT person trying to find something to wear on a hot day to my son's baseball game!  I hope.  It was awful.  My laundry room looks like jolly green puked as I went through all of my clothes in the basket, then went to my drawers with the same result...NOTHING TO WEAR that didn't show off or accentuate my third abdomin.  So I did what anyone else would do in this situation.  No, I didn't stay home.  I put on my one of two pair of capri's that fit, a tank that doesn't fit nicely and a red shirt of my 320 # husband.  And you can still see my role.  Today, I hate myself, my clothes, my weaknesses.

I went to the game, sweat so bad that when we got home I ran in the house, drank down water, then took a four hour nap.  Because it was so f'n hot!  We have been having a heat wave here in Ohio with heat indexes in the low 100's.  So it is super hot anyway, but put all this extra fat on someone and you have a large sweaty piece of red headed shit is what you have.  Can we tell this is not a good day? 

After my nap we all got ready to come out to the camper and I literally started having an anxiety feeling.  I have gained so much weight and since I haven't been out to the campground in  a long time I guess I was worried what people would say or think.  Do I give a shit what they say or think?  I didn't think I did but maybe I do.  My sister saw me and of course we have no secrets between us...didn't say anything about my weight, hates my hair.  I hate my hair.  My 3 year old foster son hates my hair.  My 6 year old is smart enough to say it looks good.  I know it looks like shit!  The box said medium brown....this is only the second time I have ever done my own color.  I can't help it.  So until it grows out or I can get to my hairdresser for a fix I have to live with it.  Maybe people will focus in on my hair instead of my fat.

Well, I guess I should truly just give it up and try to get to bed but after a four hour nap, what are the chances of that happening any time soon?  Better days are coming.  Aren't they?

Fear go away!

I awakened this morning thinking that I miss talking to several people in my life.  I haven't talked to my sister in quite some time simply because our schedules have not matched up at all.  I have not told her or anyone in my husband's family that I am contemplating VSG surgery becaue I am afraid of rejection I suppose.  Not that it matters but honestly I am having a hard enough time within myself deciding if this life altering, life-long committment is for me without a bunch of people telling me not to do it because....  I know that people do genuinely care for me but this one time this decision has to be my own.  I won't be able to blame or praise anyone but me for this one and that is the way it should be.

I really haven't asked my husband what he thinks because I don't want to do this for him or not do it for him.  I want to do this so that I can have a more healthy life so I can be around to raise my son and hopefully raise our foster child as well.  I started late in life adopting children to begin with and I am going to be retirement age when Brady is graduating from high school.  I want to still be very active and healthy at that point.  The road I'm travelling now will not provide that for me. 

I know I can buckle down and go back to WW but honestly I feel like my time has run out.  I understand that VSG is a tool to be used in conjunction with watching intake, I understand that it is not the cure all.  I just feel that it is right for me....for today anyway.  Maybe I am selling myself short by not telling my sister.  She may be very supportive but she is so like our mother....into the herbs and the all natural.  I think it is funny actually.  We never wanted to be like mom, and she is the spittin image.  Hey Bren, I luv ya!

Anyway, I will tell her when it gets closer or after it is done or I don't know when.  I will tell her.  Once I am difinite in my own head....I will tell her. 

Supportive hubby?

I forgot to mention that when I was eating my bologna/cheese bagel sandwiches, my husband asked me what I was typing on.  I showed him my blog.  Like a good husband he dutifully said, oh it looks good.  Where is your before picture?  Okay, here it comes!

So I show him.  I say to him, "isn't that disgusting"?  He says, "I don't know, I guess I'm used to seeing you that way".  I want to say for the record right now, that was not at all the right thing to say.  I don't know what he was supposed to say but not that.  Instead of me rising to the occasion and attempting to stab him in the heart with a blunt object, I politely told him to take his mangy ass to bed.  He, like a good husband, complied.  I think he saw me eyeing up the wooden spoon I threaten to beat my dogs with.  I don't know, I'm just sayin'.

Hard Realities

I had to work today.....a long twelve hours it was too.  I work in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and I love love love my job.  There isn't a day that goes by that I am not glad I am there.  A lot of people probably think I'm crazy but I don't care.  I love what I do.  It took me almost twenty years to find my niche in nursing so I am going to love it.  Today's shift was odd for me.  Usually I am upbeat and jovial.  Today, I just couldn't find anything to be jovial about and for the most part the parents of my babies were getting on my last nerve.  Why am I telling this?  I'm gettin to it.  Hang on.  To start with I didn't have the right size pants on, well at least I didn't think so.  They felt too tight...so right there my mood starts to swing.  So I put on the bigger pair, and now they are huge on me.  I don't care.  Next comes the top...my spare tire is bulging in this shirt.  Are ya following me?  Anyway, lets jump to me finally getting to go home.  Finally, I was going to be able to just go sit in my car for a minute to relax and wrap my head around this mood before I get home.  I leave the dressing room and there are two employees with a patient in a bed taking him somewhere for a test.  They say, "jump on".  Easy for you to say, I thought.  I have my oversized lunch bucket that everyone makes fun of and another bag that I am carrying all my absolutely to die for essentials and I'm fat with a big spare tire! and you want me to "jump on".  So instead of saying any of that I reply "oh okay, thanks". 

Then I have to squeeze my fat gut around the corner of the bed with these Olive Oil skinny people and the sick guy in the bed watching me.  Then I have to do it in reverse when it's time to get out of the elevator.  I said to myself as soon as I got outside, "self, if you didn't think surgery was for you, think again".  I am so tired of having those feelings and I hope that I never make anyone feel bad if they are heavy.  I don't think I have but I certainly hope I never do.

So, anyway, drove home and ate a bagel bologna and baby swiss cheese sandwich, okay!  I ate two of them!!!  And this is where I have ended up.  Sad isn't it?  Bet you have been there though.  I'm sorry to let all this out on anyone that will ever read this but surprisingly this journaling of sorts actually does feel a little better.  So, thanks for reading, if anyone ever does.  Have a wonderful evening.

One down...many to go.

Well, the sleep study is completed.  It wasn't bad at all in respect to pain or anything.  My problem was that I was bored.  And I couldn't fall asleep.  I think I tossed and turned for over two hours getting more and more upset because I couldn't fall asleep.  The tech was very nice though.  He didn't yell at me or anything.  He even had to unhook the wires so I could go to the bathroom.  I kept kicking off the leads on my legs somehow and he would have to come in to fix them.  He finally taped them on...thank goodness I shaved.

When he came in to get me up about 5:45am, I did not want to be pretty I can tell ya.  I said "is it morning already"?  He said yep, it's that time.  So then I said "did I snore"?  And he said "yep and thensome".  I looked at him with a questioning look, like "aaaannndd that means what"?  All he said was "I have a feeling that we will be seeing you back here before too long".  NICE!  I really never thought I would have to think about wearing CPAP.  That sucks.  Especially since I could very well have my surgery in the next 3 months and won't need it anymore.  But whatever, I have committed to doing what I have to do in order to get a healthy life. 

Don't laugh but I have been trying to do visual imagining.  Don't know if that is spelled right.  I picture myself get on a roller coaster with my son.  I can't quite finish the picture because I really don't care for big roller coasters so I concentrate on the coaster seatbelt/bar actually fitting without the attendent having to lean on the dam thing until the bar clicks into place and my fat has wedged it's way up and down above and below the bar.  Then I think about the theater when I don't have to have a seat in between my husband and I or a friend and I because my fat hangs over the arm of my chair.  I haven't gone to the bedroom footage yet.  I just can't do it. 

My husband loves me for who I am.  I know this.  I believe this.  But he will never ever understand that I don't love me for who I am, or better what I look like.  He says I shouldn't worry about it because he loves me just the way I am....thanks honey but until I love me, that chapter has yet to be written.  So hang in there if you can.  Hopefully my feelings change real soon and I really start to like me.  I can't imagine it.  One of my friends that recently had by-pass bought some new clothes and I asked her if when she looked in the mirror could she really see and appreciate the difference in her body.  She said, I don't know..I think so or something like that.  I hope I do.  Even when I had lost 50 pounds I can remember thinking that I didn't look any different.  I knew my clothes were getting bigger but until now, looking back at pictures, I honestly didn't see a different girl in the mirror. 

I'm so scared.  Scared of having the surgery and failing, scared of having the surgery and succeeding, scared of not having surgery and of failing, and of course, not having the surgery and succeeding through a diet and exercise.  Wow.  I have admitted to being nervous and stuff but now it's out there.  I'm scared to death.  Is this the right thing to do?  I think it is but how do you know for sure?  Time will tell.  Well, it's that time.  Work in the morning so gotta go nite nite.  I love nite nite time.  Have a wonderful day tomorrow.

I'm off to see the Wizard?

I am scheduled to have my sleep study tonight.  This is where they will find out the truth about the snoring my husband insists that I do.  I of course tell him he is nuts when in fact he is telling the truth.  I, at times, wake myself.  I have to have this test as a pre-cursor to having bariatric surgery.  A lot of people really do not know what this is.  Basically, the way I look at it, the surgery will be giving me back a life that I truly have never had due to my up and down battle with my weight. 

Anyway, I have researched the different types of bariatric surgeries and I have decided that the gastric sleeve is going to benefit me more than the others.  Honestly I did not ever think that I would even entertain the thought of having surgery because "isn't that the easy way out"?  Trust me, I have seen enough people have this surgery that I know it definitely is not the easy way out.  To me, it is the last way out except maybe an early death.  I would say that 96% of all the people I have known to have the surgery has gained ALL of their weight back except for 4.  I hope I have learned from their mistakes.  I hope that no one gets to say that about me in a couple of years.

Anyway, the sleep study.  I'm not worried about it.  Hell, it's a night away without interruptions so I can read a book, or watch a program without having to stop it four hundred times or have a conversation on the phone.  Or oddly enough I could even go to sleep.  Isn't that a novel idea? 

To my knowledge after tonight I will have the psyche evaluation, EGD, lab work, and meetings with the nutritionist.  I actually can't wait to meet with her as I have been told by the office staff that she really works with you concerning your day to day life and what foods you can fit into it that work for you and the lifestyle.  I have already started drinking a protein shake on the days I go to work.  I don't know why I haven't had a shake on my days off.  It really is good tastin.  Okay, until next time..Nighty night.

Introducing Me.

I have no idea why I decided to start a blog today, especially about me being fat and wanting to change it.  It is what it is I suppose.  It's just that I lose so much of my precious time on earth thinking about, fretting over, and getting depressed because I am fat.  I am so very sick of even thinking about it.  I'm like everyone else who has had an eating disorder, weight problem or whatever you would want to call it.  I have tried the diets, succeeded at only one, Weight Watchers or WW, but life happened and I gained it all back and then some.

I have succeeded  in so many ways in my life.  I am a successful medial professional, successful mommy and wife, and gosh darn it I'm even a successful step-monster, I mean mother.  Why then can I not stop this battle that I have been having with myself?  I do not have the knowledge base nor the energy to even contemplate the vast amount of reasons that are stuck somewhere deep within my head.  Somewhere up there in a file box that I am sure is all rusted up from non-use.  Forgotten information that should have been thrown out years ago.  Well, today is the day..the day I start to pry open that file cabinet, drawer by ever lovin' drawer. 

In order to find peace and have a successful journey to my future it would make sense that you have to figure out the past and put it to rest.  Right?  I say, RIGHT??  Don't worry, I'll get it one day.  Before I die would be good but ya never know. 

If you happen to have stumbled on this blog by accident, don't fret it.  Stay awhile, post a little but please, be kind.  I haven't been taking to ugly lately.  I don't blog to please anyone else, just myself.  If I can share a bit of information that may help someone along the way then great.  I would love that.  Ultimately though I really am trying to just find my "weigh" in this body of mine.  Change is so hard..to do and to accept.  Other people do change without appearing to be affected in the least little way.  I wake up and I'm in a sweat because I actually started a personal blog.  Whatever. 

Just a warning.  Since this is my personal blog I reserve the right to say what I want when the mood strikes me.  I will try not to be vulgar, vulgur, valgar..screw it...ugly in what I say or how I say it.  People who know me though know that I'm pretty forward and honest about everything I do and say.  Too honest for the most part.  Okay, enough.  Michael wants a bubble bath and who am I to turn tell him no.  A clean 3 year old is right up my alley!